Just took the opportunity to read back over most of my old posts.
Wow!
Isn't it amazing the journey we take with God. I mean I know I'm not there yet. I don't have all the answers or anything close to it, but what a flipping journey I've been on, and how incredibly God has moved in my life.
I worry that I'm sitting on some fence - but the fact is that while I do need to make some adjustments in my life, I have come an incredibly long way. I don't know if all my entries give it full justice but I can recall where I was at at each of those messages and I realise that God has and is doing a great work in me.
These last few years have been a proper adventure and I want to step into the next phase. I'm not sure how that's gonna look or feel but it's gonna be good.
Lord I'm ready. Let's go!
Thursday 30 September 2010
It's All about MEEEEEEE...
You know, it's an interesting old life and I frequently get it wrong.
The thing I so often get wrong is that I think it's all about me.
An easy mistake to make I suppose. I mean, it's my life, so why wouldn't it be about me?
I've made alot of mistakes recently. Nothing that won'y fix. But I've been living a bit of a double life but not on purpose and I don't think it's been entirely negative but I do need to make some decisions and at some point settle down on one side of the fence. The correct side.
I suppose it's been about knowing in my knower that God is Good, that He loves me. You know I could say those words for years before I fully understood what they meant. Or maybe I never will fully understand, but before I could grasp their truth and believe them for myself.
I've been learning alot recently about the fact that no matter what I've done, no matter, how I feel, no matter anything, God loves me, accepts me and calls me His child. He forgives my sin and is eagerly awaiting me drawing closer to Him.
You see, I know all that. I'm convinced of all that. It has changed the way I view myself and the world around me. I have a passion for the Church, to see it become what God destined it to be - a glorious bride for Christ. THE Glorious Bride for Christ.
Yet I sit on the fence because I so often feel let down by those in my local expression of the Church who I call my friends. I wonder whether this is just the fruit of my SSA struggles because I always feel like folk don't want to be as close to me as I do to them. As a result I find myself turning to the net. Sometmes I make friends who are in a similar boat, and that can be encouraging. But sometimes I end up in those places I end up when I'm feeling sorry for myself. You know the ones?
The hypocrisy frustrates me. I can be encouraging a friend to keep up the good fight and to not settle for less than the best in their life and walk with God. I can encourage them not to compromise while in another tab I've got some video onthat just isn't helpful.
I know there's a problem here and I need to sort it out. My heart is captured by the love and Grace of God but there;s something that I'm just struggling to let go of.
I think it partly comes back to this real hunger and desire for physical contact but do you know what? GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!
If I hold onto this fact then things will change. WHen I feel satisfied and confident in my walk with Him then my relationships with other people need not matter. I should be free to enjoy them for what they are - and to understand that other people and the way they behave is often down to them and not me. So somebody doesn't want to hug me or stands me up for the 5th time. They've clearly got their own issues they need to work through with God.
THe fact is that I AM working through my issues and I'm growing day by day. I worry that I'm sitting o the fence but every day I have is gifted back to Him. I steal some of it back for my own selfish desires at times but I'm learning.
I'm rambling aren't I.
In my home group last night we talked about Psalm 139. It's a scripture I keep hanging on my bedroom wall. I read it too sometimes and occasionally pray it back to God, thanking Him for what it says about Him and me.
It says He knit me together in my Mother's womb. It says that before any of the days of this earth, He knew all about me. It says that He ordained my days. Apparently the hebrew for 'ordained' translates as being squeezed into shape. Isn't that amazing. God uses my days to squeeze me into shape - the shape HE has in mind. So many of the challenges and difficult times I've faced are used by Him to squeeze me into shape. You know when a potter is making something out of clay he has to squeeze it into shape - gently and firmly but His hands have to be in contact with the clay. I feel a bit ridiculous saying this - it's like one of those cheesy emails, but if every day challenges or not are part of God squeezing me into shape then how's that for that physical touch. Every day is a hug from God. I'm a bit embarrassed by that statement but kind of encouraged too. God cares about me so much to have His hands on my life every single day. Even those days when I feel like I'm sitting on the fence.
But I can't sit on the fence forever. Whatever shape I'm going to turn out, it's gonna be as an instrumet for God's purpose so I'd better pull up my socks and get on with it.
You see I started thinking I was a bit selfish - worrying that it was all about me. I ended up realising it's all about Him. But in some way He makes it all about me again. But in the end it's all about His Glory.
I hope I'm making sense.
The thing I so often get wrong is that I think it's all about me.
An easy mistake to make I suppose. I mean, it's my life, so why wouldn't it be about me?
I've made alot of mistakes recently. Nothing that won'y fix. But I've been living a bit of a double life but not on purpose and I don't think it's been entirely negative but I do need to make some decisions and at some point settle down on one side of the fence. The correct side.
I suppose it's been about knowing in my knower that God is Good, that He loves me. You know I could say those words for years before I fully understood what they meant. Or maybe I never will fully understand, but before I could grasp their truth and believe them for myself.
I've been learning alot recently about the fact that no matter what I've done, no matter, how I feel, no matter anything, God loves me, accepts me and calls me His child. He forgives my sin and is eagerly awaiting me drawing closer to Him.
You see, I know all that. I'm convinced of all that. It has changed the way I view myself and the world around me. I have a passion for the Church, to see it become what God destined it to be - a glorious bride for Christ. THE Glorious Bride for Christ.
Yet I sit on the fence because I so often feel let down by those in my local expression of the Church who I call my friends. I wonder whether this is just the fruit of my SSA struggles because I always feel like folk don't want to be as close to me as I do to them. As a result I find myself turning to the net. Sometmes I make friends who are in a similar boat, and that can be encouraging. But sometimes I end up in those places I end up when I'm feeling sorry for myself. You know the ones?
The hypocrisy frustrates me. I can be encouraging a friend to keep up the good fight and to not settle for less than the best in their life and walk with God. I can encourage them not to compromise while in another tab I've got some video onthat just isn't helpful.
I know there's a problem here and I need to sort it out. My heart is captured by the love and Grace of God but there;s something that I'm just struggling to let go of.
I think it partly comes back to this real hunger and desire for physical contact but do you know what? GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!
If I hold onto this fact then things will change. WHen I feel satisfied and confident in my walk with Him then my relationships with other people need not matter. I should be free to enjoy them for what they are - and to understand that other people and the way they behave is often down to them and not me. So somebody doesn't want to hug me or stands me up for the 5th time. They've clearly got their own issues they need to work through with God.
THe fact is that I AM working through my issues and I'm growing day by day. I worry that I'm sitting o the fence but every day I have is gifted back to Him. I steal some of it back for my own selfish desires at times but I'm learning.
I'm rambling aren't I.
In my home group last night we talked about Psalm 139. It's a scripture I keep hanging on my bedroom wall. I read it too sometimes and occasionally pray it back to God, thanking Him for what it says about Him and me.
It says He knit me together in my Mother's womb. It says that before any of the days of this earth, He knew all about me. It says that He ordained my days. Apparently the hebrew for 'ordained' translates as being squeezed into shape. Isn't that amazing. God uses my days to squeeze me into shape - the shape HE has in mind. So many of the challenges and difficult times I've faced are used by Him to squeeze me into shape. You know when a potter is making something out of clay he has to squeeze it into shape - gently and firmly but His hands have to be in contact with the clay. I feel a bit ridiculous saying this - it's like one of those cheesy emails, but if every day challenges or not are part of God squeezing me into shape then how's that for that physical touch. Every day is a hug from God. I'm a bit embarrassed by that statement but kind of encouraged too. God cares about me so much to have His hands on my life every single day. Even those days when I feel like I'm sitting on the fence.
But I can't sit on the fence forever. Whatever shape I'm going to turn out, it's gonna be as an instrumet for God's purpose so I'd better pull up my socks and get on with it.
You see I started thinking I was a bit selfish - worrying that it was all about me. I ended up realising it's all about Him. But in some way He makes it all about me again. But in the end it's all about His Glory.
I hope I'm making sense.
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