I Think I May Be On To Something Here!!!

It is late. I'm due to get up again in about 6 1/2 hours, but I think I've just had a bit of a revelation and I wanted to get it up here quick smart. It would be good to hear what some of you guys think about this.

First of all let me explain that I've been getting to know this girl. She's pretty amazing. But I've been swithering between getting to know her better and keeping my distance. When I am up I enjoy getting to know her and find it pretty easy to contemplate a potential relationship. When I am down I am terrified of the thought and draw into myself.

This is what just struck me:

When I am in sin and self-centredness I find it difficult to believe I have anything to give - I look to men to fulfil me, to give me what I lack, and my relationships with men to give me my strength and security.

When I am walking closely with the Lord I find my fulfilment in Him. My strength and security comes from Him. I find it much easier to comprehend being able to give myself to a woman.

Do you see the difference?

When I seek men I am looking for what I can get - What I should be finding in God. When I seek God, I find I have a capacity to give - and can contemplate being able to give myself to a woman - because in a marriage we should seek to bless the other. My homosexual desires are rooted in my own selfishness, stubbornness and pride. By refusing to look to God, in some way I am emasculating myself, therefore wish to try and reclaim some of this from other men.

I look to men to provide me with what I can only get from God. Because men cannot provide what I should get from God I continue to feel hungry and therefore fall into lust - selfish desire for physical intimacy. When my strength is in God I find freedom from this need for intimacy from other men and can therefore contemplate being the kind of husband I believe God has called me to be.

I'm not about to rush out and propose - but I do think I'm on to something here. I think I need to let this sink in. These are exciting times. Praise God!

Get in touch

Hey guys,

Occasionally I get a message from folks to comment on something I've written. From the sounds of things, it seems folk have maybe been reading for a while and then decide to comment. I haven't written much for a while - something which I'll explain more when I get a moment. However it would be interesting to hear if you read my blog and whether or not you find it helpful. I certainly find little nuggets as I'm looking about the other people's blogs I find. Just leave a comment on this post - that'd be great. It would really bless me to know that what I'm going through is making a difference for some folks. If you have your own blog and you'd like me to add you to my blogroll then I can have a look and see what I can do.

Bless you guys,

Dave

Moving On

Hey guys, I haven't blogged or commented for quite a while. I've been keeping up to date with some folks blogs but haven't done much more than that. Been having a pretty tough time of it to be honest. However I am declaring that things are on the up! I have enrolled in a Setting Captives Free course - only on day 2 but I am sensing that I will learn lots through it. I even think that the discipline of having to do it every day will be of benefit. I hope to be back on soon to give you some more of my musings. Hang on In there - God is sooooo awesome!

The Eternal Struggle!

Romans 7: 14-25

For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

It's been almost a month since I last masturbated, and about the same since I last looked at any porn. I've been pretty chuffed with myself - and I don't think that is a bad thing in itself, but what started out as most definitely a God thing, has become a me thing. It has become about how well I am doing, and less about what God is doing in me. Yeah, glory to God that I almost completely lost the urge to sin in this way. I've been in a pretty good frame of mind as well. On the odd occasion where I have felt discouragement of depression setting in I have shared it with my friends and we've prayed and I moved on.

It came as a bit of a blow to me tonight though, when I began to feel low and discouraged. Not just a little bit, alot. If I hadn't installed a filter onto my computer I would have really gone to to town - I know it. I was almost cursing the filter, and I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, I'll tell you. It annoys me that even though I didn't look at anything dodgy, I wanted to. That's really just as bad. The sinful nature was there in force. I'm glad that my mind was guarded against such things but it doesn't mean the desire wasn't there.

I felt so small, and weak and insignificant. I became like a child, scared to look upon the responsibilities of adulthood. Worried about not being what I perceive to be 'cool'. I suppose some of it is about pride. Wanting to be worthwhile for who I am, and how people perceive me, instead of my life reflecting the way God has made me to be. What right do I really have to put myself and my own desires above the way God has designed me. He has made me perfectly (I say this through gritted teeth just now though I know it ultimately to be true) and I need to learn to love me regardless of how other people view me. I need to not judge myself by how I think other people want me to be.

If I am perfectly honest, I am a pretty popular individual. People just seem to love me. They do enjoy being around me. The thing that really annoys me though is that they love the characteristics that I often despise about myself. They love the me that I don't want to be.

So! I went to bed early tonight. But when my flatmate came home I forced myself to get up and chat. Poor guy was wanting his own bed but he gave me some time. We chatted, we prayed, I whined, and he told me to read the Word. I did, and then I did this post. It was really incredibly hard to get up and talk. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my warm bed and wallow. I find it so embarrassing talking about how pathetic I feel, about how insignificant I feel. I have been a Christian for most of my life and yet I am in this place I never imagined I would find myself. I know that God has done so much in me and that he uses me daily to enrich the lives of others, but at times I just can't be bothered being an adult, being a man. I want to forget about my responsibilities and just be held. I really feel the need to confess it though - no matter how rubbish I feel about it. How can I move forward if I keep these things bottled up. It is then that I find myself more deeply entrenched in sin.

These things, just as much as my struggles with SSA are my sinful nature. Being willing to lay aside the man God has made me to be. Despising what God has said is good about me. Wallowing in my own misery. Being too stubborn to ask for help, or turn to the Word.

I praise God for true friends who will push me in the right direction and will take the time to encourage me. I am praying that God will continue to encourage me and move me forward, and that tonight was just a minor blip, where the devil tried to catch me unaware. I pray I remember always the source of my strength and my success as I continue to fight this battle. God is Good!

Things they are a changin'

Haven't really written much up here for a while. But that's all good news I think. I had been goin through a bit of a rough patch and wasn't really feeling confident that things were ever goin to get better. Thankfully that isn't true. They have and they will continue to do so.

Life has been so incredibly busy (at least by my standards) but in it all I have been learning to look to God for strength. Since my last blog I have passed my driving test, turned thirty, asked a girl out, been turned down, put into place some really good accountability relationships, taken a new lease of life at my work, and so much more.

One weekend I was out clubbing to celebrate my birthday, got to bed at 4 but was up at quarter to eight the next morning to go mountain biking. I then got home about mid day, showered, hopped into my kilt, drove some bridesmaids to a wedding (I was asked the day after I passed my test - mental), celebrated the same wedding, while also escorting my flatmate to pick up a hire car and then had a full Sunday the day after.

Normally I would have descended into the pit of misery by the time I got to midnight at the club, by the Saturday morning I would be surfing for some porn, and by the time Sunday morning came I would simply be going to church because I felt some sense of duty. Apart from feeling incredibly tired, the weekend was great.

I have just had a real sense of God wanting to lift me beyond my own difficulties. To begin to turn my eyes outwards again. Iv'e gone almost a fortnight without any real desire for men in a sexual way. The temptation is just not there. I don't want to grow complacent becaue there have been times when I have begin to feel weaker and have had to pray either myself of with a friend, to seek God's strength to overcome these feelings. The real strength in some way has been my willingness to share and seek help as soon as I feel I need it. Also having the realisation that there are people out there who I can be investing into spiritually if only I can see beyond the end of my nose. People who I can build with as I seek to advance God's Kingdom here in Glasgow.

I have been trying to get into the Word more as well, and this is happening - though not as much as I'd like - but it is a start. I have so much to be happy and excited about and I wish I could share it all on here just now, but I haven't the time at the moment. I just wanted to pop on and fill folk in on where things are at.

God is Good!

Roller Coaster

Well Life has been a bit of a roller coaster for me recently. I've been up and down constantly. I'm go from on top of the world to miserable as sin in the blink of an eyelid it seems . Unfortunately it takes a bit longer for me to climb back up again.

I suppose that's the point though. My misery is so closely tied to sin. Whether that sin be looking up porn, or wallowing in my own self pity, it is sin. Sometimes I think the misery itself is sin - what right do I really have to be miserable? I have a loving God who cares deeply and passionately for me. His Son has made a way for me to be reunited with Him so I can enter His presence whenever I choose. He's given me great friendships and brothers that love and accept me and stand with me in my pain. So often I convince myself that this will never end. I will always have to battle in my mind - I hope I won't. But if I do, what right have I to complain? Each and every one of us has struggles and battles to fight. It just so happens that mine is with same sex attraction. It's no more or less sinful than opposite sex attraction if it manifests itself as lust. It is no more sinful than hatred of greed. Yes, this is my struggle. But others have their own. It's a bit arrogant of me to think that the battle I am fighting is any tougher than anyone else's. At the same point I do not want to minimise my own, or anyone else's struggle with SSA. It is a very real and present battle and it rages within me constantly... but I can't let it win or consume me, and it is no reason for me to look at myself with contempt or hatred.

I'm beginning to try and up the stakes. It means that the folks around about me are going to have to help some more. I hope not for long. I need to be challenged about my thinking, about my online habits, about my states of misery and I'm going to ask that they do that. Instead of waiting for crisis point, or for me to come out the other end of one of my moods. I know that it is my struggle but as I go through it I need people to be standing on the sidelines waiting for me to pick myself back up. I need people who will take up sword and fight by my side.

I've struggled with this idea for a while. I hate to think that I need other people, especially when nobody else seems to need the same kind of support. One of my Pastors encouraged me the other day though. He reminded me that I was willing to deal with and battle through my problems, meanwhile, many others just haven't brought theirs into the light yet. Instead of seeing myself as weak because I have challenges when nobody else has, I should take encouragement that I am trying to deal with mine when others are hiding their own.

In church just now, alot of the teaching is about moving more in the supernatural. In other words, living life out with our own means and allowing God to move by His Holy Spirit to enable us to go beyond what we would humanly be capable of. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not fighting this battle alone, but rather with Christ by my side. He is rooting for me and seeks by success in this area.

It isn't always easy for me to accept that. To let go of my problems and give them to God. I need to fill my heart and mind with Scripture, and find more time in life's busyness, to spend time with my Father.

So! My decision is to fight. I hope that I can. Hebrews 11:1 says

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

So as I have a hope, I pray that I can receive the faith to bring it all into reality. It seems like such a bold statement when I say I am going to fight. But it's a start. There will be days when I don't feel like fighting any more. That is where I hope my brothers will encourage me and the Holy Spirit will strengthen me to go on. I'm running this race and I'm going to win the prize because I am not going to stop until I am finished.

Grey

It's 11o'clock at night. I should be going off to sleep. Instead, feeling pretty miserable, I decided to start up the old computer again. Unsure whether or not to do a search for some dodgy websites for fear of being discovered by my online accountability partners I find myself on here. Don't know why I'm so bothered because my report for this week is already pretty dire. At the moment I can't be certain I won't end up elsewhere but at the moment I'm here. I just feel sooo grey!

I feel like I'm so alone. A frequent frustration of mine is the constant feeling that I need other people. But when it comes to the crunch they never can provide what I need. But then if I knew what it was I was really looking for that would be a start.

I also annoys me that while I need other people, they can get on with their lives quite happily without me. My existence is of no real consequence. Life would probably be a bit simpler if they didn't have their emotionally unstable, loony 'mate' to deal with. I wish I could just pack up and move on. Pretend like none of this ever happened- that nobody knew. Maybe then my life could get back to some kind of normality.

Nobody turns to me with their needs, the things they are struggling with. Who would? I'm not wanting to dish out advice - I couldn't if I tried. I just want to be able to stand with my friends in their trials. I don't want to be vulnerable alone.

I'm struggling to keep it together at work just now. Just yesterday, after a meeting I had to go off to the gents for a quick bubble. Nobody knows my struggle there and neither do I want them to. But sometimes I wonder if it might help to let someone, one of my bosses know that I was struggling in some way - no specifics - but then what difference would that really make? It isn't like they could do anything and it isn't like I would want their advice which is not going to come from a Godly perspective. But when things get tough, and I'm struggling to get through the day, it would be nice to have somewhere to turn.

I suppose I should turn to God but I find that so very hard at times - especially in my line of work where there is not really a moment where I can be alone. But going to God when I'm feeling so crap is tough. I'm struggling to feel like God is actually listening to me. Does he really hear me? If so, then why is this so flipping tough - after a year and I still can't cope with things any better. I don't know how long I can handle feeling like this and going through all the ups and downs.