It's All about MEEEEEEE...

You know, it's an interesting old life and I frequently get it wrong.

The thing I so often get wrong is that I think it's all about me.

An easy mistake to make I suppose. I mean, it's my life, so why wouldn't it be about me?

I've made alot of mistakes recently. Nothing that won'y fix. But I've been living a bit of a double life but not on purpose and I don't think it's been entirely negative but I do need to make some decisions and at some point settle down on one side of the fence. The correct side.

I suppose it's been about knowing in my knower that God is Good, that He loves me. You know I could say those words for years before I fully understood what they meant. Or maybe I never will fully understand, but before I could grasp their truth and believe them for myself.

I've been learning alot recently about the fact that no matter what I've done, no matter, how I feel, no matter anything, God loves me, accepts me and calls me His child. He forgives my sin and is eagerly awaiting me drawing closer to Him.

You see, I know all that. I'm convinced of all that. It has changed the way I view myself and the world around me. I have a passion for the Church, to see it become what God destined it to be - a glorious bride for Christ. THE Glorious Bride for Christ.

Yet I sit on the fence because I so often feel let down by those in my local expression of the Church who I call my friends. I wonder whether this is just the fruit of my SSA struggles because I always feel like folk don't want to be as close to me as I do to them. As a result I find myself turning to the net. Sometmes I make friends who are in a similar boat, and that can be encouraging. But sometimes I end up in those places I end up when I'm feeling sorry for myself. You know the ones?

The hypocrisy frustrates me. I can be encouraging a friend to keep up the good fight and to not settle for less than the best in their life and walk with God. I can encourage them not to compromise while in another tab I've got some video onthat just isn't helpful.

I know there's a problem here and I need to sort it out. My heart is captured by the love and Grace of God but there;s something that I'm just struggling to let go of.

I think it partly comes back to this real hunger and desire for physical contact but do you know what? GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!

If I hold onto this fact then things will change. WHen I feel satisfied and confident in my walk with Him then my relationships with other people need not matter. I should be free to enjoy them for what they are - and to understand that other people and the way they behave is often down to them and not me. So somebody doesn't want to hug me or stands me up for the 5th time. They've clearly got their own issues they need to work through with God.

THe fact is that I AM working through my issues and I'm growing day by day. I worry that I'm sitting o the fence but every day I have is gifted back to Him. I steal some of it back for my own selfish desires at times but I'm learning.

I'm rambling aren't I.

In my home group last night we talked about Psalm 139. It's a scripture I keep hanging on my bedroom wall. I read it too sometimes and occasionally pray it back to God, thanking Him for what it says about Him and me.

It says He knit me together in my Mother's womb. It says that before any of the days of this earth, He knew all about me. It says that He ordained my days. Apparently the hebrew for 'ordained' translates as being squeezed into shape. Isn't that amazing. God uses my days to squeeze me into shape - the shape HE has in mind. So many of the challenges and difficult times I've faced are used by Him to squeeze me into shape. You know when a potter is making something out of clay he has to squeeze it into shape - gently and firmly but His hands have to be in contact with the clay. I feel a bit ridiculous saying this - it's like one of those cheesy emails, but if every day challenges or not are part of God squeezing me into shape then how's that for that physical touch. Every day is a hug from God. I'm a bit embarrassed by that statement but kind of encouraged too. God cares about me so much to have His hands on my life every single day. Even those days when I feel like I'm sitting on the fence.

But I can't sit on the fence forever. Whatever shape I'm going to turn out, it's gonna be as an instrumet for God's purpose so I'd better pull up my socks and get on with it.

You see I started thinking I was a bit selfish - worrying that it was all about me. I ended up realising it's all about Him. But in some way He makes it all about me again. But in the end it's all about His Glory.

I hope I'm making sense.

I Think I May Be On To Something Here!!!

It is late. I'm due to get up again in about 6 1/2 hours, but I think I've just had a bit of a revelation and I wanted to get it up here quick smart. It would be good to hear what some of you guys think about this.

First of all let me explain that I've been getting to know this girl. She's pretty amazing. But I've been swithering between getting to know her better and keeping my distance. When I am up I enjoy getting to know her and find it pretty easy to contemplate a potential relationship. When I am down I am terrified of the thought and draw into myself.

This is what just struck me:

When I am in sin and self-centredness I find it difficult to believe I have anything to give - I look to men to fulfil me, to give me what I lack, and my relationships with men to give me my strength and security.

When I am walking closely with the Lord I find my fulfilment in Him. My strength and security comes from Him. I find it much easier to comprehend being able to give myself to a woman.

Do you see the difference?

When I seek men I am looking for what I can get - What I should be finding in God. When I seek God, I find I have a capacity to give - and can contemplate being able to give myself to a woman - because in a marriage we should seek to bless the other. My homosexual desires are rooted in my own selfishness, stubbornness and pride. By refusing to look to God, in some way I am emasculating myself, therefore wish to try and reclaim some of this from other men.

I look to men to provide me with what I can only get from God. Because men cannot provide what I should get from God I continue to feel hungry and therefore fall into lust - selfish desire for physical intimacy. When my strength is in God I find freedom from this need for intimacy from other men and can therefore contemplate being the kind of husband I believe God has called me to be.

I'm not about to rush out and propose - but I do think I'm on to something here. I think I need to let this sink in. These are exciting times. Praise God!

The Eternal Struggle!

Romans 7: 14-25

For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

It's been almost a month since I last masturbated, and about the same since I last looked at any porn. I've been pretty chuffed with myself - and I don't think that is a bad thing in itself, but what started out as most definitely a God thing, has become a me thing. It has become about how well I am doing, and less about what God is doing in me. Yeah, glory to God that I almost completely lost the urge to sin in this way. I've been in a pretty good frame of mind as well. On the odd occasion where I have felt discouragement of depression setting in I have shared it with my friends and we've prayed and I moved on.

It came as a bit of a blow to me tonight though, when I began to feel low and discouraged. Not just a little bit, alot. If I hadn't installed a filter onto my computer I would have really gone to to town - I know it. I was almost cursing the filter, and I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, I'll tell you. It annoys me that even though I didn't look at anything dodgy, I wanted to. That's really just as bad. The sinful nature was there in force. I'm glad that my mind was guarded against such things but it doesn't mean the desire wasn't there.

I felt so small, and weak and insignificant. I became like a child, scared to look upon the responsibilities of adulthood. Worried about not being what I perceive to be 'cool'. I suppose some of it is about pride. Wanting to be worthwhile for who I am, and how people perceive me, instead of my life reflecting the way God has made me to be. What right do I really have to put myself and my own desires above the way God has designed me. He has made me perfectly (I say this through gritted teeth just now though I know it ultimately to be true) and I need to learn to love me regardless of how other people view me. I need to not judge myself by how I think other people want me to be.

If I am perfectly honest, I am a pretty popular individual. People just seem to love me. They do enjoy being around me. The thing that really annoys me though is that they love the characteristics that I often despise about myself. They love the me that I don't want to be.

So! I went to bed early tonight. But when my flatmate came home I forced myself to get up and chat. Poor guy was wanting his own bed but he gave me some time. We chatted, we prayed, I whined, and he told me to read the Word. I did, and then I did this post. It was really incredibly hard to get up and talk. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my warm bed and wallow. I find it so embarrassing talking about how pathetic I feel, about how insignificant I feel. I have been a Christian for most of my life and yet I am in this place I never imagined I would find myself. I know that God has done so much in me and that he uses me daily to enrich the lives of others, but at times I just can't be bothered being an adult, being a man. I want to forget about my responsibilities and just be held. I really feel the need to confess it though - no matter how rubbish I feel about it. How can I move forward if I keep these things bottled up. It is then that I find myself more deeply entrenched in sin.

These things, just as much as my struggles with SSA are my sinful nature. Being willing to lay aside the man God has made me to be. Despising what God has said is good about me. Wallowing in my own misery. Being too stubborn to ask for help, or turn to the Word.

I praise God for true friends who will push me in the right direction and will take the time to encourage me. I am praying that God will continue to encourage me and move me forward, and that tonight was just a minor blip, where the devil tried to catch me unaware. I pray I remember always the source of my strength and my success as I continue to fight this battle. God is Good!