It's All about MEEEEEEE...

You know, it's an interesting old life and I frequently get it wrong.

The thing I so often get wrong is that I think it's all about me.

An easy mistake to make I suppose. I mean, it's my life, so why wouldn't it be about me?

I've made alot of mistakes recently. Nothing that won'y fix. But I've been living a bit of a double life but not on purpose and I don't think it's been entirely negative but I do need to make some decisions and at some point settle down on one side of the fence. The correct side.

I suppose it's been about knowing in my knower that God is Good, that He loves me. You know I could say those words for years before I fully understood what they meant. Or maybe I never will fully understand, but before I could grasp their truth and believe them for myself.

I've been learning alot recently about the fact that no matter what I've done, no matter, how I feel, no matter anything, God loves me, accepts me and calls me His child. He forgives my sin and is eagerly awaiting me drawing closer to Him.

You see, I know all that. I'm convinced of all that. It has changed the way I view myself and the world around me. I have a passion for the Church, to see it become what God destined it to be - a glorious bride for Christ. THE Glorious Bride for Christ.

Yet I sit on the fence because I so often feel let down by those in my local expression of the Church who I call my friends. I wonder whether this is just the fruit of my SSA struggles because I always feel like folk don't want to be as close to me as I do to them. As a result I find myself turning to the net. Sometmes I make friends who are in a similar boat, and that can be encouraging. But sometimes I end up in those places I end up when I'm feeling sorry for myself. You know the ones?

The hypocrisy frustrates me. I can be encouraging a friend to keep up the good fight and to not settle for less than the best in their life and walk with God. I can encourage them not to compromise while in another tab I've got some video onthat just isn't helpful.

I know there's a problem here and I need to sort it out. My heart is captured by the love and Grace of God but there;s something that I'm just struggling to let go of.

I think it partly comes back to this real hunger and desire for physical contact but do you know what? GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!

If I hold onto this fact then things will change. WHen I feel satisfied and confident in my walk with Him then my relationships with other people need not matter. I should be free to enjoy them for what they are - and to understand that other people and the way they behave is often down to them and not me. So somebody doesn't want to hug me or stands me up for the 5th time. They've clearly got their own issues they need to work through with God.

THe fact is that I AM working through my issues and I'm growing day by day. I worry that I'm sitting o the fence but every day I have is gifted back to Him. I steal some of it back for my own selfish desires at times but I'm learning.

I'm rambling aren't I.

In my home group last night we talked about Psalm 139. It's a scripture I keep hanging on my bedroom wall. I read it too sometimes and occasionally pray it back to God, thanking Him for what it says about Him and me.

It says He knit me together in my Mother's womb. It says that before any of the days of this earth, He knew all about me. It says that He ordained my days. Apparently the hebrew for 'ordained' translates as being squeezed into shape. Isn't that amazing. God uses my days to squeeze me into shape - the shape HE has in mind. So many of the challenges and difficult times I've faced are used by Him to squeeze me into shape. You know when a potter is making something out of clay he has to squeeze it into shape - gently and firmly but His hands have to be in contact with the clay. I feel a bit ridiculous saying this - it's like one of those cheesy emails, but if every day challenges or not are part of God squeezing me into shape then how's that for that physical touch. Every day is a hug from God. I'm a bit embarrassed by that statement but kind of encouraged too. God cares about me so much to have His hands on my life every single day. Even those days when I feel like I'm sitting on the fence.

But I can't sit on the fence forever. Whatever shape I'm going to turn out, it's gonna be as an instrumet for God's purpose so I'd better pull up my socks and get on with it.

You see I started thinking I was a bit selfish - worrying that it was all about me. I ended up realising it's all about Him. But in some way He makes it all about me again. But in the end it's all about His Glory.

I hope I'm making sense.

It's been a while since I blogged and alot has happened in that time but I thought I'd take the chance to share how things are going. A while back, when chattin with some friends they mentioned that I often turn to folk in a crisis but also need to start sharing when things are going well and I am doing well. I want to be honest and real in my relationships but need to acknowledge that good stuff happens.Perhaps I should start to include some of the other stuff too. God is doing great stuff with me, sometimes it seems like I’m stuck in the fire but gradually I’m comin out the other side, refined.

I really appreciate my friends and how I have come to the point where I can tell them pretty much anything about me. I appreciate that because I really benefit from the encouragement and support I get from others. Some folk seem to be able to carry on regardless, but me, at the moment I need to know I have some folk beside me.

For the last 6 weeks I have managed to remain pornography and masturbation free. This is a tremendous success as far as I am concerned. I have managed this before, but there has always been a bit of skirting round the edges which, by and large, I have managed to avoid now. I don’t think I can be so naïve as to say that I won’t be challenged again – infact there has still been challenge through these 6 weeks, but my outlook has changed.

It would now seem to be a tremendous waste to start mucking about again.

What has been a hallmark of the change has been that I have not struggled nearly so much with unwanted bodily functions’. I hope this does not feel like too much information but I think it points out 2 things – 1) That the absolute grace of God is on me to help me beat this once and for all. 2) My mind is in a different place – My mind, spirit and body seem to be working together. There is no conflict such as before. What an amazing place I find this to be.

This is not to say that I have not had my challenges. I still am finding it difficult to draw the lines of relationship – and to relate properly to other guys. I still battle to know and grasp other’s perceptions of me and this can get me depressed and confused. However when these challenges have come along I have been able to deal with them. Infact – especially with times where I have maybe asked to speak with one friend in particular about how I am feeling, by the time I’ve had the chance to do so things have usually much improved and I’ve been able to get more of a God perspective on things. One reason for this is the decision to keep praising despite how I feel. This was very much something that came out of reading about self leadership in Courageous leadership by Bill Hybels.

So! Things are on the up!

I’ve been challenged about how people perceive me and last week faced what I found to be quite a challenging rejection. But God spoke to me about this a few days later. This is pretty much what He said:

You need to start taking responsibility – moving in your gifting – and let God do the rest.

Your heart needs to be soft before God – forget how much you feel people think about you or not – what people’s opinions are. Do everything unto God. Keep yourself accountable in this. Keep a glad heart – thankfulness before God. Your frustration in life is not what others actually think of you but what you know you could be but are failing to achieve. The judgements you feel come from others are actually your own judgements, projected onto others. Change what you can, trust God to change the things that are out with your power and learn to accept the rest is the way God made you and should be loved and not despised. Where others do reject you or criticize you, weigh it and move on – either making adjustments or recognising that their rejection is their loss, not yours.

So that is what I am going to attempt. My friends have pretty much been saying these things to me for like years, and I’ve not managed to hear them. You wouldn’t begin to know how much the small encouragements from friends mean to me – and how they provoke me on to a greater walk with God.

So that's the current state of play. Things are pretty good. Challenging but good. I hope that in some way this can encourage some of you folk out there. Life with God isn't easy but I wouldn't miss it for the world!