It's been a while since I blogged and alot has happened in that time but I thought I'd take the chance to share how things are going. A while back, when chattin with some friends they mentioned that I often turn to folk in a crisis but also need to start sharing when things are going well and I am doing well. I want to be honest and real in my relationships but need to acknowledge that good stuff happens.Perhaps I should start to include some of the other stuff too. God is doing great stuff with me, sometimes it seems like I’m stuck in the fire but gradually I’m comin out the other side, refined.

I really appreciate my friends and how I have come to the point where I can tell them pretty much anything about me. I appreciate that because I really benefit from the encouragement and support I get from others. Some folk seem to be able to carry on regardless, but me, at the moment I need to know I have some folk beside me.

For the last 6 weeks I have managed to remain pornography and masturbation free. This is a tremendous success as far as I am concerned. I have managed this before, but there has always been a bit of skirting round the edges which, by and large, I have managed to avoid now. I don’t think I can be so naïve as to say that I won’t be challenged again – infact there has still been challenge through these 6 weeks, but my outlook has changed.

It would now seem to be a tremendous waste to start mucking about again.

What has been a hallmark of the change has been that I have not struggled nearly so much with unwanted bodily functions’. I hope this does not feel like too much information but I think it points out 2 things – 1) That the absolute grace of God is on me to help me beat this once and for all. 2) My mind is in a different place – My mind, spirit and body seem to be working together. There is no conflict such as before. What an amazing place I find this to be.

This is not to say that I have not had my challenges. I still am finding it difficult to draw the lines of relationship – and to relate properly to other guys. I still battle to know and grasp other’s perceptions of me and this can get me depressed and confused. However when these challenges have come along I have been able to deal with them. Infact – especially with times where I have maybe asked to speak with one friend in particular about how I am feeling, by the time I’ve had the chance to do so things have usually much improved and I’ve been able to get more of a God perspective on things. One reason for this is the decision to keep praising despite how I feel. This was very much something that came out of reading about self leadership in Courageous leadership by Bill Hybels.

So! Things are on the up!

I’ve been challenged about how people perceive me and last week faced what I found to be quite a challenging rejection. But God spoke to me about this a few days later. This is pretty much what He said:

You need to start taking responsibility – moving in your gifting – and let God do the rest.

Your heart needs to be soft before God – forget how much you feel people think about you or not – what people’s opinions are. Do everything unto God. Keep yourself accountable in this. Keep a glad heart – thankfulness before God. Your frustration in life is not what others actually think of you but what you know you could be but are failing to achieve. The judgements you feel come from others are actually your own judgements, projected onto others. Change what you can, trust God to change the things that are out with your power and learn to accept the rest is the way God made you and should be loved and not despised. Where others do reject you or criticize you, weigh it and move on – either making adjustments or recognising that their rejection is their loss, not yours.

So that is what I am going to attempt. My friends have pretty much been saying these things to me for like years, and I’ve not managed to hear them. You wouldn’t begin to know how much the small encouragements from friends mean to me – and how they provoke me on to a greater walk with God.

So that's the current state of play. Things are pretty good. Challenging but good. I hope that in some way this can encourage some of you folk out there. Life with God isn't easy but I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Hmmmm! I don't really know where I'm at - just felt like I needed a ramble. I'm tired of all this. Not really liking who I am but not able to be anyone else. Tired of fighting but convinced that is what I need to do.

I had a really powerful time with God last night. I don't really know what happened. I know that God was doing something deep down but to be honest I couldn't say what. I have not cried like that for quite some time - I mean I will usually cry at most things but this was the deep kind of crying that feels like it comes from deep inside you. I couldn't stop it - or I didn't want to... because to just for that moment have that reassurance that God is infact still in control was greatly needed.

Life is looking a bit uncertain up ahead and there are going to be lots of changes. I sometimes doubt that I'm ready for it all but I need to just run with it. I don't know where I'll end up or what will happen but I am laying my life down at the cross - or at least I'm trying to - I am struggling to let go fully - but it is the only way that I can fully move out of this mess and see God for who he really is - a loving and merciful God who has planned out my days.

I must say that I'm scared. I'm stepping inch by inch into the unknown...

I hope I don't sound like I'm speaking in riddles... it's just where I'm at just now - stuck between 2 camps. The ball has started to roll and there isn't really a way of stopping it. Do I keep trying to keep pushing it back or do I let go and trust that God is gonna keep me safe.

The only way for me to really feel good about myself, and the only way to see the back of my struggles is to come to the end of myself and let God take over.

I Think I May Be On To Something Here!!!

It is late. I'm due to get up again in about 6 1/2 hours, but I think I've just had a bit of a revelation and I wanted to get it up here quick smart. It would be good to hear what some of you guys think about this.

First of all let me explain that I've been getting to know this girl. She's pretty amazing. But I've been swithering between getting to know her better and keeping my distance. When I am up I enjoy getting to know her and find it pretty easy to contemplate a potential relationship. When I am down I am terrified of the thought and draw into myself.

This is what just struck me:

When I am in sin and self-centredness I find it difficult to believe I have anything to give - I look to men to fulfil me, to give me what I lack, and my relationships with men to give me my strength and security.

When I am walking closely with the Lord I find my fulfilment in Him. My strength and security comes from Him. I find it much easier to comprehend being able to give myself to a woman.

Do you see the difference?

When I seek men I am looking for what I can get - What I should be finding in God. When I seek God, I find I have a capacity to give - and can contemplate being able to give myself to a woman - because in a marriage we should seek to bless the other. My homosexual desires are rooted in my own selfishness, stubbornness and pride. By refusing to look to God, in some way I am emasculating myself, therefore wish to try and reclaim some of this from other men.

I look to men to provide me with what I can only get from God. Because men cannot provide what I should get from God I continue to feel hungry and therefore fall into lust - selfish desire for physical intimacy. When my strength is in God I find freedom from this need for intimacy from other men and can therefore contemplate being the kind of husband I believe God has called me to be.

I'm not about to rush out and propose - but I do think I'm on to something here. I think I need to let this sink in. These are exciting times. Praise God!

Get in touch

Hey guys,

Occasionally I get a message from folks to comment on something I've written. From the sounds of things, it seems folk have maybe been reading for a while and then decide to comment. I haven't written much for a while - something which I'll explain more when I get a moment. However it would be interesting to hear if you read my blog and whether or not you find it helpful. I certainly find little nuggets as I'm looking about the other people's blogs I find. Just leave a comment on this post - that'd be great. It would really bless me to know that what I'm going through is making a difference for some folks. If you have your own blog and you'd like me to add you to my blogroll then I can have a look and see what I can do.

Bless you guys,

Dave

Moving On

Hey guys, I haven't blogged or commented for quite a while. I've been keeping up to date with some folks blogs but haven't done much more than that. Been having a pretty tough time of it to be honest. However I am declaring that things are on the up! I have enrolled in a Setting Captives Free course - only on day 2 but I am sensing that I will learn lots through it. I even think that the discipline of having to do it every day will be of benefit. I hope to be back on soon to give you some more of my musings. Hang on In there - God is sooooo awesome!

The Eternal Struggle!

Romans 7: 14-25

For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

It's been almost a month since I last masturbated, and about the same since I last looked at any porn. I've been pretty chuffed with myself - and I don't think that is a bad thing in itself, but what started out as most definitely a God thing, has become a me thing. It has become about how well I am doing, and less about what God is doing in me. Yeah, glory to God that I almost completely lost the urge to sin in this way. I've been in a pretty good frame of mind as well. On the odd occasion where I have felt discouragement of depression setting in I have shared it with my friends and we've prayed and I moved on.

It came as a bit of a blow to me tonight though, when I began to feel low and discouraged. Not just a little bit, alot. If I hadn't installed a filter onto my computer I would have really gone to to town - I know it. I was almost cursing the filter, and I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, I'll tell you. It annoys me that even though I didn't look at anything dodgy, I wanted to. That's really just as bad. The sinful nature was there in force. I'm glad that my mind was guarded against such things but it doesn't mean the desire wasn't there.

I felt so small, and weak and insignificant. I became like a child, scared to look upon the responsibilities of adulthood. Worried about not being what I perceive to be 'cool'. I suppose some of it is about pride. Wanting to be worthwhile for who I am, and how people perceive me, instead of my life reflecting the way God has made me to be. What right do I really have to put myself and my own desires above the way God has designed me. He has made me perfectly (I say this through gritted teeth just now though I know it ultimately to be true) and I need to learn to love me regardless of how other people view me. I need to not judge myself by how I think other people want me to be.

If I am perfectly honest, I am a pretty popular individual. People just seem to love me. They do enjoy being around me. The thing that really annoys me though is that they love the characteristics that I often despise about myself. They love the me that I don't want to be.

So! I went to bed early tonight. But when my flatmate came home I forced myself to get up and chat. Poor guy was wanting his own bed but he gave me some time. We chatted, we prayed, I whined, and he told me to read the Word. I did, and then I did this post. It was really incredibly hard to get up and talk. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my warm bed and wallow. I find it so embarrassing talking about how pathetic I feel, about how insignificant I feel. I have been a Christian for most of my life and yet I am in this place I never imagined I would find myself. I know that God has done so much in me and that he uses me daily to enrich the lives of others, but at times I just can't be bothered being an adult, being a man. I want to forget about my responsibilities and just be held. I really feel the need to confess it though - no matter how rubbish I feel about it. How can I move forward if I keep these things bottled up. It is then that I find myself more deeply entrenched in sin.

These things, just as much as my struggles with SSA are my sinful nature. Being willing to lay aside the man God has made me to be. Despising what God has said is good about me. Wallowing in my own misery. Being too stubborn to ask for help, or turn to the Word.

I praise God for true friends who will push me in the right direction and will take the time to encourage me. I am praying that God will continue to encourage me and move me forward, and that tonight was just a minor blip, where the devil tried to catch me unaware. I pray I remember always the source of my strength and my success as I continue to fight this battle. God is Good!

Things they are a changin'

Haven't really written much up here for a while. But that's all good news I think. I had been goin through a bit of a rough patch and wasn't really feeling confident that things were ever goin to get better. Thankfully that isn't true. They have and they will continue to do so.

Life has been so incredibly busy (at least by my standards) but in it all I have been learning to look to God for strength. Since my last blog I have passed my driving test, turned thirty, asked a girl out, been turned down, put into place some really good accountability relationships, taken a new lease of life at my work, and so much more.

One weekend I was out clubbing to celebrate my birthday, got to bed at 4 but was up at quarter to eight the next morning to go mountain biking. I then got home about mid day, showered, hopped into my kilt, drove some bridesmaids to a wedding (I was asked the day after I passed my test - mental), celebrated the same wedding, while also escorting my flatmate to pick up a hire car and then had a full Sunday the day after.

Normally I would have descended into the pit of misery by the time I got to midnight at the club, by the Saturday morning I would be surfing for some porn, and by the time Sunday morning came I would simply be going to church because I felt some sense of duty. Apart from feeling incredibly tired, the weekend was great.

I have just had a real sense of God wanting to lift me beyond my own difficulties. To begin to turn my eyes outwards again. Iv'e gone almost a fortnight without any real desire for men in a sexual way. The temptation is just not there. I don't want to grow complacent becaue there have been times when I have begin to feel weaker and have had to pray either myself of with a friend, to seek God's strength to overcome these feelings. The real strength in some way has been my willingness to share and seek help as soon as I feel I need it. Also having the realisation that there are people out there who I can be investing into spiritually if only I can see beyond the end of my nose. People who I can build with as I seek to advance God's Kingdom here in Glasgow.

I have been trying to get into the Word more as well, and this is happening - though not as much as I'd like - but it is a start. I have so much to be happy and excited about and I wish I could share it all on here just now, but I haven't the time at the moment. I just wanted to pop on and fill folk in on where things are at.

God is Good!