Roller Coaster

Well Life has been a bit of a roller coaster for me recently. I've been up and down constantly. I'm go from on top of the world to miserable as sin in the blink of an eyelid it seems . Unfortunately it takes a bit longer for me to climb back up again.

I suppose that's the point though. My misery is so closely tied to sin. Whether that sin be looking up porn, or wallowing in my own self pity, it is sin. Sometimes I think the misery itself is sin - what right do I really have to be miserable? I have a loving God who cares deeply and passionately for me. His Son has made a way for me to be reunited with Him so I can enter His presence whenever I choose. He's given me great friendships and brothers that love and accept me and stand with me in my pain. So often I convince myself that this will never end. I will always have to battle in my mind - I hope I won't. But if I do, what right have I to complain? Each and every one of us has struggles and battles to fight. It just so happens that mine is with same sex attraction. It's no more or less sinful than opposite sex attraction if it manifests itself as lust. It is no more sinful than hatred of greed. Yes, this is my struggle. But others have their own. It's a bit arrogant of me to think that the battle I am fighting is any tougher than anyone else's. At the same point I do not want to minimise my own, or anyone else's struggle with SSA. It is a very real and present battle and it rages within me constantly... but I can't let it win or consume me, and it is no reason for me to look at myself with contempt or hatred.

I'm beginning to try and up the stakes. It means that the folks around about me are going to have to help some more. I hope not for long. I need to be challenged about my thinking, about my online habits, about my states of misery and I'm going to ask that they do that. Instead of waiting for crisis point, or for me to come out the other end of one of my moods. I know that it is my struggle but as I go through it I need people to be standing on the sidelines waiting for me to pick myself back up. I need people who will take up sword and fight by my side.

I've struggled with this idea for a while. I hate to think that I need other people, especially when nobody else seems to need the same kind of support. One of my Pastors encouraged me the other day though. He reminded me that I was willing to deal with and battle through my problems, meanwhile, many others just haven't brought theirs into the light yet. Instead of seeing myself as weak because I have challenges when nobody else has, I should take encouragement that I am trying to deal with mine when others are hiding their own.

In church just now, alot of the teaching is about moving more in the supernatural. In other words, living life out with our own means and allowing God to move by His Holy Spirit to enable us to go beyond what we would humanly be capable of. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not fighting this battle alone, but rather with Christ by my side. He is rooting for me and seeks by success in this area.

It isn't always easy for me to accept that. To let go of my problems and give them to God. I need to fill my heart and mind with Scripture, and find more time in life's busyness, to spend time with my Father.

So! My decision is to fight. I hope that I can. Hebrews 11:1 says

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

So as I have a hope, I pray that I can receive the faith to bring it all into reality. It seems like such a bold statement when I say I am going to fight. But it's a start. There will be days when I don't feel like fighting any more. That is where I hope my brothers will encourage me and the Holy Spirit will strengthen me to go on. I'm running this race and I'm going to win the prize because I am not going to stop until I am finished.

Grey

It's 11o'clock at night. I should be going off to sleep. Instead, feeling pretty miserable, I decided to start up the old computer again. Unsure whether or not to do a search for some dodgy websites for fear of being discovered by my online accountability partners I find myself on here. Don't know why I'm so bothered because my report for this week is already pretty dire. At the moment I can't be certain I won't end up elsewhere but at the moment I'm here. I just feel sooo grey!

I feel like I'm so alone. A frequent frustration of mine is the constant feeling that I need other people. But when it comes to the crunch they never can provide what I need. But then if I knew what it was I was really looking for that would be a start.

I also annoys me that while I need other people, they can get on with their lives quite happily without me. My existence is of no real consequence. Life would probably be a bit simpler if they didn't have their emotionally unstable, loony 'mate' to deal with. I wish I could just pack up and move on. Pretend like none of this ever happened- that nobody knew. Maybe then my life could get back to some kind of normality.

Nobody turns to me with their needs, the things they are struggling with. Who would? I'm not wanting to dish out advice - I couldn't if I tried. I just want to be able to stand with my friends in their trials. I don't want to be vulnerable alone.

I'm struggling to keep it together at work just now. Just yesterday, after a meeting I had to go off to the gents for a quick bubble. Nobody knows my struggle there and neither do I want them to. But sometimes I wonder if it might help to let someone, one of my bosses know that I was struggling in some way - no specifics - but then what difference would that really make? It isn't like they could do anything and it isn't like I would want their advice which is not going to come from a Godly perspective. But when things get tough, and I'm struggling to get through the day, it would be nice to have somewhere to turn.

I suppose I should turn to God but I find that so very hard at times - especially in my line of work where there is not really a moment where I can be alone. But going to God when I'm feeling so crap is tough. I'm struggling to feel like God is actually listening to me. Does he really hear me? If so, then why is this so flipping tough - after a year and I still can't cope with things any better. I don't know how long I can handle feeling like this and going through all the ups and downs.