Monday 28 April 2008

Hmmmm! I don't really know where I'm at - just felt like I needed a ramble. I'm tired of all this. Not really liking who I am but not able to be anyone else. Tired of fighting but convinced that is what I need to do.

I had a really powerful time with God last night. I don't really know what happened. I know that God was doing something deep down but to be honest I couldn't say what. I have not cried like that for quite some time - I mean I will usually cry at most things but this was the deep kind of crying that feels like it comes from deep inside you. I couldn't stop it - or I didn't want to... because to just for that moment have that reassurance that God is infact still in control was greatly needed.

Life is looking a bit uncertain up ahead and there are going to be lots of changes. I sometimes doubt that I'm ready for it all but I need to just run with it. I don't know where I'll end up or what will happen but I am laying my life down at the cross - or at least I'm trying to - I am struggling to let go fully - but it is the only way that I can fully move out of this mess and see God for who he really is - a loving and merciful God who has planned out my days.

I must say that I'm scared. I'm stepping inch by inch into the unknown...

I hope I don't sound like I'm speaking in riddles... it's just where I'm at just now - stuck between 2 camps. The ball has started to roll and there isn't really a way of stopping it. Do I keep trying to keep pushing it back or do I let go and trust that God is gonna keep me safe.

The only way for me to really feel good about myself, and the only way to see the back of my struggles is to come to the end of myself and let God take over.

Thursday 31 January 2008

I Think I May Be On To Something Here!!!


It is late. I'm due to get up again in about 6 1/2 hours, but I think I've just had a bit of a revelation and I wanted to get it up here quick smart. It would be good to hear what some of you guys think about this.

First of all let me explain that I've been getting to know this girl. She's pretty amazing. But I've been swithering between getting to know her better and keeping my distance. When I am up I enjoy getting to know her and find it pretty easy to contemplate a potential relationship. When I am down I am terrified of the thought and draw into myself.

This is what just struck me:

When I am in sin and self-centredness I find it difficult to believe I have anything to give - I look to men to fulfil me, to give me what I lack, and my relationships with men to give me my strength and security.

When I am walking closely with the Lord I find my fulfilment in Him. My strength and security comes from Him. I find it much easier to comprehend being able to give myself to a woman.

Do you see the difference?

When I seek men I am looking for what I can get - What I should be finding in God. When I seek God, I find I have a capacity to give - and can contemplate being able to give myself to a woman - because in a marriage we should seek to bless the other. My homosexual desires are rooted in my own selfishness, stubbornness and pride. By refusing to look to God, in some way I am emasculating myself, therefore wish to try and reclaim some of this from other men.

I look to men to provide me with what I can only get from God. Because men cannot provide what I should get from God I continue to feel hungry and therefore fall into lust - selfish desire for physical intimacy. When my strength is in God I find freedom from this need for intimacy from other men and can therefore contemplate being the kind of husband I believe God has called me to be.

I'm not about to rush out and propose - but I do think I'm on to something here. I think I need to let this sink in. These are exciting times. Praise God!

Get in touch

Hey guys,

Occasionally I get a message from folks to comment on something I've written. From the sounds of things, it seems folk have maybe been reading for a while and then decide to comment. I haven't written much for a while - something which I'll explain more when I get a moment. However it would be interesting to hear if you read my blog and whether or not you find it helpful. I certainly find little nuggets as I'm looking about the other people's blogs I find. Just leave a comment on this post - that'd be great. It would really bless me to know that what I'm going through is making a difference for some folks. If you have your own blog and you'd like me to add you to my blogroll then I can have a look and see what I can do.

Bless you guys,

Dave

Wednesday 30 January 2008

Moving On

Hey guys, I haven't blogged or commented for quite a while. I've been keeping up to date with some folks blogs but haven't done much more than that. Been having a pretty tough time of it to be honest. However I am declaring that things are on the up! I have enrolled in a Setting Captives Free course - only on day 2 but I am sensing that I will learn lots through it. I even think that the discipline of having to do it every day will be of benefit. I hope to be back on soon to give you some more of my musings. Hang on In there - God is sooooo awesome!