It is late. I'm due to get up again in about 6 1/2 hours, but I think I've just had a bit of a revelation and I wanted to get it up here quick smart. It would be good to hear what some of you guys think about this.
First of all let me explain that I've been getting to know this girl. She's pretty amazing. But I've been swithering between getting to know her better and keeping my distance. When I am up I enjoy getting to know her and find it pretty easy to contemplate a potential relationship. When I am down I am terrified of the thought and draw into myself.
This is what just struck me:
When I am in sin and self-centredness I find it difficult to believe I have anything to give - I look to men to fulfil me, to give me what I lack, and my relationships with men to give me my strength and security.
When I am walking closely with the Lord I find my fulfilment in Him. My strength and security comes from Him. I find it much easier to comprehend being able to give myself to a woman.
Do you see the difference?
When I seek men I am looking for what I can get - What I should be finding in God. When I seek God, I find I have a capacity to give - and can contemplate being able to give myself to a woman - because in a marriage we should seek to bless the other. My homosexual desires are rooted in my own selfishness, stubbornness and pride. By refusing to look to God, in some way I am emasculating myself, therefore wish to try and reclaim some of this from other men.
I look to men to provide me with what I can only get from God. Because men cannot provide what I should get from God I continue to feel hungry and therefore fall into lust - selfish desire for physical intimacy. When my strength is in God I find freedom from this need for intimacy from other men and can therefore contemplate being the kind of husband I believe God has called me to be.
I'm not about to rush out and propose - but I do think I'm on to something here. I think I need to let this sink in. These are exciting times. Praise God!
8 comments:
Sounds like you've had a pretty good breakthrough. I actually find that the same applies with me. When I'm really close to God those desires for other men just vanish. But when I'm feeling far from God or deep in sin, the desire to be with another man seems to consume me.
I might suggest you keep your focus on God. Even when tempted. Go to God in prayer and give that temptation to Him. Tell Him how you feel, what you're feeling and then just really clear your mind of everything but Him and His goodness. I've found that that really does help me.
So anyway, best wishes on the possible future girlfriend. :)
Brandon
The biggest caution I would give you is this...I think it's important that you sort out what's going on here more in terms of "times when you long for sexual release" and "times when your sexual thoughts are in line with God's desire for your life".
Not desiring a man...or sex...is not the same as desiring a woman.
Many of us could communicate the struggle you've described here in the exact same words...in fact, as a single straight woman, I'd say that I do have this same struggle. It is very easy for me to get caught up in wanting to have sex just to fulfill a need, when that is not the best that God has for me. Does this make sense at all??
I hope so.
love and grace,
pam
Bro,
As I have stated in my journal-blog, I am reading a bunch of books on becoming a husband. The ones by Doug Wilson have been REALLY good both theologically, in the heart issues and in the practical matters. I would HIGHLY recommend that you read them. Particularly "For a Glory and a Covering" and "My Life For Yours."
Rik
Be close to God and then ask Him to help you with wisdom in this relationship. Make sure you are honest with this girl.
I am praying.
Hey Dave,
I know it's been quite a while since my last post. A lot has happened. I have updated my blog and so you can get an update. Thanks for keeping in touch. I'm glad to learn that God is revealing things to you. It's always encouraging to see God at work. Have a blessed day.
Dave
Thanks for the comment! It was incredible to find out how many people out there are in such similar situations. It's ridiculous when I think about how isolated I used to feel! I will definitely check out your posts.
JD
As a woman leaving a husband who cannot face his true self, I beg you not to marry a woman. After 23 years of being the faithful wife, my self esteem is nonexistent.
Sex is part of a marriage and the intimacy that comes from sex is essential to a relationship. At the beginning, it was good. Thirteen years ago, after the birth of our youngest child, our sex life started going downhill. I was the one who initiated it. If I hadn't, it would have stopped. (I tested this)!
There was always a reason; finally a few years ago, he told me that it didn't feel good and he didn't want to do it anymore. I guess I would have bought his excuses except there were other signs. Like the gay porn sites bookmarked on the computer, mistakes from the video store, (bi movies).
Don't choose a woman to "heal" your sexuality. God made us all and we are perfect. He does not make mistakes. You deserve to live with love and joy and be true to yourself. Don't put anyone else through the doubt and confusion that I am still experiencing.
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