My Prayer

It's been a tough few days. It still is tough. I'm on an 'up - down' kind of cycle just now and it frustrates me so much. I don't know how to deal with all my feelings and I don't know how to verbalise my frustrations without sounding petty and pathetic. I don't know how to tell my friends what's going on but I can't do this myself and I feel so far away from You Lord God... If I was truly repentant I wouldn't keep doing these things and feeling this way. That's how I feel. But I find it sooo hard to stop. I find it sooo hard to surrender. It's not that I'm not trying, but the prospect of keeping trying for year upon year fills me with such an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration. I want this to stop now. I want to know that as soon as I give up my weakness, You will be there. I suppose it's a case of having to 'step out of the boat'. My boat of comfort and safety in what I've become so used to, my thoughts and feelings about myself and how others view me. I need to know that even though walking on the water might feel uncomfortable, my You, my God are there to hold me and keep me secure - even though it doesn't always feel like it.

I hate being so vulnerable. I would happily move away to a place where nobody knew me and live like none of this had ever happened. Go back into my box of make believe, where one day I will find a wife and we'll have a beautiful life together, where I can bring up my children , safe and secure in the knowledge of my love for them, and that of You, the Father.

But until I can accept that You made me, You loves me, and You accepts me just the way I am, none of these things will become real to me. I can't manufacture self confidence. I can pretend, but that isn't the same. I don't want to pretend any more. I want to be real... I want to be free. I want to wake up one morning and just KNOW that You love me... no doubts. I want to know that my friends think I'm cool, that I'm not some pathetic tagger on. I want to know that whatever anyone else thinks, I'm accepted and loved. I don't want to be loved because people feel that it's their Christian duty. I want to grasp what it is about me that other people seem to see. I can only see a weak and insignificant individual who can't keep it together for more than a few days. Someone that is desperately lonely despite being loved by many. I want to cry so much but my tears are dry. I want to curl up and weep. I want You, my Father to embrace me with Your loving arms.

Father help me know where I belong. Let me understand what purpose You have for me. Please take away the temptation and let me feel strong again. Let me know the depths of your love like I've never known.

I want to scream but can't. I want to pour out all my frustration and anger. But what will replace it? What will fill the void? Can I really trust that when I let all of this go, my Friend and Saviour will catch me. Will Ye really fill the void? Will I ever be the man You made me to be? What is my purpose and my goal? Where can I make my mark on this Earth?

Answers are slow, and no one can really give them to me except for You my God. Unless I grasp hold of the truth of Your Word, the words that others offer are little more than well meaning... I need You Lord, I cannot live without You.

Lord have Your Way in Me!

Amen

God is Good

Back up again. Having chatted through my frustrations, and prayed some stuff through, and having begun to take my eyes off myself for a moment (again), I've been finding my heart hungry to worship. These songs have been on my mind and lips. One is a hymn I haven't heard for about 15 years probably. I had to search the full lyrics online. Another is a song by DC talk. The last is a song that has come out of my Church and has been so valuable in helping me move forward.

Thank You God that you have put a song on my heart. I pray that each and every day there will be less of me and more of You.

For the Beauty of the Earth
For the beauty of the earth,
for the beauty of the skies,
for the love which from our birth
over and around us lies,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.

For the beauty of each hour
of the day and of the night,
hill and vale, and tree and flower,
sun and moon, and stars of light,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.

For the joy of ear and eye,
for the heart and brain's delight,
for the mystic harmony
linking sense to sound and sight,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.

For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
friends on earth, and friends above,
for all gentle thoughts and mild,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.

For each perfect gift of thine
to our race so freely given,
graces human and divine,
flowers of earth and buds of heaven,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.

For thy Bride that evermore
lifteth holy hands above,
offering up on every shore
this pure sacrifice of love,

Christ our God, to thee we raise
this our sacrifice of praise.



What if I Stumble
What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
What if I lose my step
And I make fools of us all?
Would the love continue,
When my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble,
And what if I fall?

Father please forgive me,
For I can not compose
The fear that lives within me,
Or the rate at which it grows.

Struggle lies a purpose,
On the narrow road you carve.
But do I dread my trespasses
Or lead a daily star?

Do the see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise.
All the time I’m feeling…

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
What if I lose my step
And I make fools of us all?
Would the love continue,
When my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble,
And what if I fall?

Everyone’s got to grow when you know that
You’re up against the wall.
It’s about to fall.
Everyone’s got to grow when you know that.

I hear you whispering my name.
...
My love for you will never change.
Never change.

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
What if I lose my step
And I make fools of us all?
Would the love continue,
When my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble,
And what if I fall?

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
You never turn in aid of it all.
What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my call.

Faith in Christ Jesus
Surrounded by Your favour,
Protected by Your grace
Overwhelmed by Your mercy
Delivered and forgiven,
Healed and set free
By the love You have for me

My faith is in Christ Jesus, my trust is in His name.
My hope is in Christ Jesus, in the power of His name.

Creator of the heavens,
Forever You will reign.
I’m overwhelmed by Your glory.
The earth shall bow before You
Healed and set free,
By the love You have for me.

My faith is in Christ Jesus, my trust is in His name.
My hope is in Christ Jesus, in the power of His name.

For God sees not my sin,
For God sees not my sin.
For God sees not my sin,
Anymore.
Anymore.


It's tough to be thankful, to praise and adore God when things are not how we want them to be. It's easy to mess up and feel like we've blown it. The devil takes great delight in accusing us.
However when we cast our sins upon Christ, repent and seek forgiveness we must remember that God chooses to forget. We do not stand alone, and we have the power to defeat every stronghold in our lives because we have the name of Jesus.

"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
Philippians 2: 9 -13

Angry and Frustrated - and a bit of a ramble!

I didn’t intend to be back writing another blog so soon. I had initially thought about once a week would suffice. Alas, here I am because I feel I can be a bit more honest on here and let out all my feelings and thoughts a bit more.

So where shall I start. A number of weeks ago I made a decision to stop masturbating. It’s something I have done since my teenage years and have always had rather mixed views about. I didn’t see there being a huge problem as long as it was just a quick wank that meant nothing, and didn’t involve any impure thoughts.

On the other hand it is something that I could tell was not constructive. It maybe wasn’t bringing me down but it most definitely wasn’t building me up. There were times when I felt that these were perhaps stolen moments from my marriage (to be) and that the feelings and sensations I was having were meant to be shared with another – my wife. Unfortunately I haven’t found myself in the position of being in that kind of relationship and so it just went on and on. Sometimes infrequently, sometimes more regularly.

The difficulty for me is that whether or not I associate my masturbation with another person (real or imaginary), by succumbing to the temptation to do so probably means I am not facing up to my own loneliness and feelings of isolation. I feel crap today so I’m just going to have a wank.

It is pretty similar to the way I feel when I look up gay porn. I’m a bit lonely, a bit miserable so I’ll try and make myself feel better by looking up this rubbish that I know will probably make me feel even worse and will make it very hard for me to feel good about myself for several days. Infact when I do these things I feel like I am cutting myself off from God. I know that God is gracious and that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. But that’s God’s side of the bargain – not mine. And I’m pretty good at condemning myself.

The fact is that when I decide to have a wank or to look up some dodgy sites I’m usually avoiding going to God about something else. Instead of saying, ‘God I’m feeling crap about myself here. I’m struggling to accept myself and the person you’ve made me to be. Will you come and minister to me?’ I instead decide to make myself feel better with a little bit of self gratification. I may not be imagining myself with another person but I am still sinning because I am not turning my situation over to God.

So why all this big shpeel about masturbation? Well I’ve gone about 4 or 5 weeks without doing it. It’s been bloody hard in more ways than one. I’ve felt that I’ve pretty much had a permanent erection and I’ve felt so completely horny. I’ve chatted this through with my flatmate and my pastor, both of whom seem to think this is perfectly natural and I shouldn’t feel condemned about it. My pastor said instead that because I feel physically aroused in someone’s presence does not mean I am attracted to them. There are lots of reasons why that might happen. I need to begin to feel more comfortable with myself as a sexual being. I’m probably paraphrasing him quite a lot but that is what I think the general gist is.

Anyway after all these weeks of effort I was off work last week. I’m beginning to hate holidays because I have so much free time with my thoughts and there’s not always other folk about to talk to. I found all these blogs that folk had been writing and felt particularly encouraged by them – partly what inspired me to do likewise. I don’t know if any of you guys find the same but sometimes when reading the blogs it sets my mind off. I become more aware of my sexual difficulties and am blessed by what I am reading but it sometimes opens up some doors that need me to be very much on my guard. Anyway one thing led to another and wham! I’m in bed feeling awful about myself and so incredibly disappointed in myself. To top it off, I was off to lead an Alpha group in the evening and then straight off with my parents for the weekend. They don’t have a clue about what’s going on so felt a bit strange and isolated with it all.

Last night after work, came home and had quite a positive evening. Wrote up a blog and replied to a few folk etc. When my flatmate came home we chatted for a bit.

As soon as he went off to bed though, I immediately looked up some porn. I don’t remember feeling particularly tempted – I just did it. I ended up having a pretty late night. Felt terrible this morning and struggled to stay positive at work all day. I feel so hypocritical. My flatmate and I get up early in the morning to pray. It’s supposed to be a time of mutual reaching to God, not a time for me to have pity party. How can I be so sinful one night and then a few hours later be calling on God. It doesn’t make sense and it drives me crazy.

So I feel like I’ve taken a big leap back. All the support I have, people praying for me and willing to be there for me and I throw it back in their faces. I hate it when I feel like people are attention seeking – but I also wonder if that is how I am viewed. Do I do all this so I can get a reaction? Do I do it so in some twisted kind of way I can get the love and affection I crave? I don’t think so but perhaps that’s what other people think.

I want this to be over. I don’t want to keep having these thoughts or desires towards other guys. At the same point it is so comforting to sense that depth of feeling. To think about being that intimately close to someone makes me feel good. So I sit on this fence, wanting to make the right choices but knowing that requires the faith that, when I let these things go, God will come and meets all my needs.

I don’t want to be dependent on myself or anyone else to get through this. I want to be able to put it all in God’s hands. I know that God has put people there for me, to help me through all this but I am afraid that I grow too attached to them and not to God. I am afraid that they get bored, annoyed, fed up or that they just give up on me. I am afraid that I end up left alone because people eventually move on. I am afraid that they misunderstand my love. I am afraid of lots of things and I can’t actually find the word to explain it all. It just sits like a boulder in my chest. Along with the tightness I feel there when I think about my friends – and I wonder if I might be getting too close.

So for now anyway it’s back to the reality and practicality. I can’t control my own online habits so I’m typing this up to add to my blog later because my flatmate has the cable for the modem. How pathetic and helpless I feel. I suppose I should be glad that I’m in the position where he is willing to do that for me, and that the thought of living with me has not caused him to run a mile. I should be glad that I have at least got the savvy to ask him to take the cable.

One day soon I hope that I will be able to say that I can do these things for myself.

A Small Aside

I'd like to personalise my blog a bit more in terms of appearance. Does anyone know if this is possible? I've seen a few that are much more thought out than just the basic formats that blogger offer but am not sure how I might manage it - unless I'm just with the wrong blog site???

Any suggestions, get in touch.

I Just Want to be Held

I'm sitting here just now in my living room and my dog is pawing at me for a pat or a stroke. He has no qualms about just coming up and demanding some physical affection, or a bit of a rumble. To be honest, if I wasn't busy typing away, I'd probably stop and give him what he's asking for - because I love him. OK, you might just say he's only a dog - and I agree - that's all he is. But if we are prepared to show physical affection towards an animal, why do we so often find it so difficult with one another.

It has been on my mind for the past few weeks now, that I really want to be held. I don't think it is a particularly sexual desire. Just a human one. Sometimes my body might tell me otherwise but I'm trying not to listen to that too much because in my mind I'm pretty certain that all I want to know is that I'm loved. I know I'm loved... but I want to KNOW that I'm loved. People can tell you they love you and show that they care - they can use all the right words, but until they put their arms around you it's hard to know, to accept, that it's true.

I often feel kept at arms length. Even before I began to face up to my struggles, before nobody else knew, I felt that 'they knew' secretly and didn't want to get too close. Now the devil is quite happy to whisper in my ear to tell me that nobody wants to get too close to me - the gay one.

I find it particularly hard to deal with this when I see other friends hugging - I feel jealous - I think to myself that they don't hug me like that. It's all rubbish I know but it's very often how things go in my mind. I know, that I know, that I know, that I am accepted and loved by my friends. Man, I've given them plenty chances to close the door and tell me where to go. If they really wanted to keep their distance they would.

I don't know where this all comes from. Is it a 'Scottish' thing. Men just don't do this touchy-feely thing over here. Some friends have commented that you only get that kind of contact with other guys when you play sport. Those kind of sports just aren't my thing.

Is it something to do with my old man? He's a top bloke but he doesn't really do the whole huggy thing. I can't remember even if he did when I was wee.

Is it something to do with the fact that the only contact I had with guys when I was younger was normally through some form of physical abuse?

Am I just abnormal? Do I have an unusually high need to be held?

I don't know. I don't know if it will ever make sense. I know that the arms of a woman would not meet this need in me, and if I ever want to get married it is something I am going to want sorted in someway. I'm sorry darling but your embrace just doesn't do it for me like a man's does!!!

I'm inclined to think that perhaps it's something to do with God. Now I haven't searched the scriptures on this (yet), but I'm pretty certain that if Jesus Christ was in the room with me just now he would put His arms around me and would not let me go until He knew that I knew how much he cares for me. How much I mean to Him. How much I am not a threat to Him. How much He wants to be with me. How comfortable He feels in my close proximity.

The fact is, that wanting to be held by another man is nothing to do with wanting to sleep with him. I got that a bit confused for a while. While searching for porn I would often find myself taken by the photographs and images but rather disappointed by the movies. I realise that to some extent it was the idea of 2 men being close, having deep trust, and being willing to share personal space that attracted me - not so much the sexual act.

As Christian men (SSA or OSA) is there a need for us to communicate God's love for one another in this way? Letting one another know that the world's fear is not one that we need to share? Is it a problem for some people who do not deal with SSA, that they feel insecure with physical contact with other men? Is it possible that we need to communicate the Father's love through our embrace?

I'm not suggesting we start hugging each other randomly and for no reason, but that we consider how important the issue can be. That we deal with our misperception that hugging is sexual. It's all kind of childish in a way. It's like when children say 'yuk' at the thought of people loving one another - because sometimes their view of love is confused by what they imagine to be between a man and woman.

I certainly know that I'm not about to start asking my mates to hug me - as much as I wish they would. I rather wish that it was something that was perceived and offered - like when a kid falls and hurts themselves, their dad comes along and picks them up and puts his hands around them until the tears stop and the kid knows it's all going to be alright.

Perhaps if these things happened it'd be wrong... perhaps it would 'feed my perversion'.I'm inclined to think otherwise though. I actually think it would help me feel a little less gay.

By Way of Introduction

Well, here I am. I've not given my name here just now because I still feel the need for some anonimity, but, perhaps over time I'll relax and learn that the things I'm discussing are not such a big deal. I do have a sense that although I'm dealing with homosexual temptation, there are lots of folk who deal with other issues that are just as hard, or just as tough to reconcile with a Christian life. Which is ironic really because I am firmly of the opinion that Christ takes us in our brokenness and pain and draws us to himself. It is often Christians (or our perception of Christians) that causes us to stay closed and cut off. I suppose that is one of the enemies tactics - to make us afraid to open up with our Christian brothers and sisters, to confess our sin and brokenness and stand together with them to see God bring healing and restoration into our lives.

So! I'm a 30 year old Christian who grew up in the West of Scotland where your manhood was dependent on how well you could play football, or how much you could bring other people down. I grew up in a loving Christian home and regularly attended church with my family. I made a personal choice to give control of my life to Christ when I was in primary school. I loved God. I loved to sing and praise and learn more about him. Unfortunately that, among other things set me apart from my peers in a village where I didn't really belong as I hadn't been born there and I didn't share the same accent or aspirations. I found school a pretty tough place although I know it could have been alot worse. Over the years I suffered alot of rejection and really struggled to make meaningful friendships with guys.

I think this has some part to play in where I find myself now, but I can't abdicate all responsibility. I am responsible for my decisions and choices and to some extent, these have also led me here. I don't want to say that I regret these choices because I know that God has a much bigger plan in it all. But there is some regret that perhaps, had I not allowed my mind to go down certain paths, I wouldn't have needed to be dealing with these things now. At the same point, God is using my situation to grow me and stretch me like never before, and I'm filled with excitement about what he is doing (most of the time).
I've always played it very safe in relationships and at the age of 30, still find myself a virgin - an achievement which I am proud of. I've been careful to avoid situations where I find myself being tempted to step over the line with women. I've always thought that was the area I needed to watch - and made the assumption that it was ok to look at men, or at pictures of men - usually just paintings or photos to begin with but, over time this grew to become more pornographic. I kind of accidentally slipped into this whole mess without realising it. I was coveting the bodies of other men. Not always being confident about my own physique or even the size of my tackle, I found myself comparing, trying to reassure myself that I wasn't that fat, or I wasn't that small, or I wasn't that ugly (all lies - but when the devil lies he makes it seem so believable).

It all makes sense now when I think about my relationships with men. I left home at 17 to come to University. I found a great church, and made some great, godly, christian friendships. I've flatshared with loads of guys and I've made some friendships that I hope will last for my lifetime. But as relationships began to change - friends getting girlfriends, getting married, moving away etc, I always found these things incredibly difficult to deal with. I had never really had true, deep friendship with guys until I moved away from home. I became very protective of these relationships - and still am, but am learning to bring them into a Godly perspective.

About a year ago, during a church conference, God spoke to me and made it quite clear that I had to confess what I had been doing and share my struggles with my friends. I immediately broke down and struggled to hide the reasons for me tears from my mate on the long car ride home. Incidentally, we got lost. I suppose God was giving me an opportunity to share but I didn't take it straight away. Later the following week I spoke to another close friend as so the journey began. Over the next few weeks I began to open up more and more to my closest friends - about 7 or 8 guys - and was so blessed that each and every one of them responded in love and concern for me. Our relationships were strengthened. Instead of the expected response, each one of them responded in love. Praise God!!!

So I went from pretty much having it all together, to being an emotional wreck that struggled to make it into church meetings. All of a sudden I was so much more aware of my sin and hated being exposed emotionally with the gathered church. It was ok with a few but when everyone was there it was tough. I stepped out of leading the teams I was involved with and just tried to make it through each week. I sat down. I almost gave up. There were times where I wished I felt suicidal because it would have given me some release from the self loathing.

Thankfully that is not the end of my story. I have learned so much this year. My friendships have grown too (which presents its own challenges). I want to share some of where I've been, and some of what's happening now, so that others might find encouragement - whatever their struggle.

Christians don't talk about sex enough. So often we hide from the issues that cause us the most difficulty for fear of being judged (this is justifiable because my experience of love and acceptance is rare). If men could only talk and share the sexual difficulties they struggle with we would be able to help and support one another through these times in a biblical way. I hope that as I start to blog, more people would feel encouraged to do so. Perhaps anonymously online to start with but my prayer is that guys would be able to find those people who are willing to love like Christ , with no condemnation or judgement but with absolute acceptance and grace. We all struggle - so why do we grade our sin?

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.