By Way of Introduction

Well, here I am. I've not given my name here just now because I still feel the need for some anonimity, but, perhaps over time I'll relax and learn that the things I'm discussing are not such a big deal. I do have a sense that although I'm dealing with homosexual temptation, there are lots of folk who deal with other issues that are just as hard, or just as tough to reconcile with a Christian life. Which is ironic really because I am firmly of the opinion that Christ takes us in our brokenness and pain and draws us to himself. It is often Christians (or our perception of Christians) that causes us to stay closed and cut off. I suppose that is one of the enemies tactics - to make us afraid to open up with our Christian brothers and sisters, to confess our sin and brokenness and stand together with them to see God bring healing and restoration into our lives.

So! I'm a 30 year old Christian who grew up in the West of Scotland where your manhood was dependent on how well you could play football, or how much you could bring other people down. I grew up in a loving Christian home and regularly attended church with my family. I made a personal choice to give control of my life to Christ when I was in primary school. I loved God. I loved to sing and praise and learn more about him. Unfortunately that, among other things set me apart from my peers in a village where I didn't really belong as I hadn't been born there and I didn't share the same accent or aspirations. I found school a pretty tough place although I know it could have been alot worse. Over the years I suffered alot of rejection and really struggled to make meaningful friendships with guys.

I think this has some part to play in where I find myself now, but I can't abdicate all responsibility. I am responsible for my decisions and choices and to some extent, these have also led me here. I don't want to say that I regret these choices because I know that God has a much bigger plan in it all. But there is some regret that perhaps, had I not allowed my mind to go down certain paths, I wouldn't have needed to be dealing with these things now. At the same point, God is using my situation to grow me and stretch me like never before, and I'm filled with excitement about what he is doing (most of the time).
I've always played it very safe in relationships and at the age of 30, still find myself a virgin - an achievement which I am proud of. I've been careful to avoid situations where I find myself being tempted to step over the line with women. I've always thought that was the area I needed to watch - and made the assumption that it was ok to look at men, or at pictures of men - usually just paintings or photos to begin with but, over time this grew to become more pornographic. I kind of accidentally slipped into this whole mess without realising it. I was coveting the bodies of other men. Not always being confident about my own physique or even the size of my tackle, I found myself comparing, trying to reassure myself that I wasn't that fat, or I wasn't that small, or I wasn't that ugly (all lies - but when the devil lies he makes it seem so believable).

It all makes sense now when I think about my relationships with men. I left home at 17 to come to University. I found a great church, and made some great, godly, christian friendships. I've flatshared with loads of guys and I've made some friendships that I hope will last for my lifetime. But as relationships began to change - friends getting girlfriends, getting married, moving away etc, I always found these things incredibly difficult to deal with. I had never really had true, deep friendship with guys until I moved away from home. I became very protective of these relationships - and still am, but am learning to bring them into a Godly perspective.

About a year ago, during a church conference, God spoke to me and made it quite clear that I had to confess what I had been doing and share my struggles with my friends. I immediately broke down and struggled to hide the reasons for me tears from my mate on the long car ride home. Incidentally, we got lost. I suppose God was giving me an opportunity to share but I didn't take it straight away. Later the following week I spoke to another close friend as so the journey began. Over the next few weeks I began to open up more and more to my closest friends - about 7 or 8 guys - and was so blessed that each and every one of them responded in love and concern for me. Our relationships were strengthened. Instead of the expected response, each one of them responded in love. Praise God!!!

So I went from pretty much having it all together, to being an emotional wreck that struggled to make it into church meetings. All of a sudden I was so much more aware of my sin and hated being exposed emotionally with the gathered church. It was ok with a few but when everyone was there it was tough. I stepped out of leading the teams I was involved with and just tried to make it through each week. I sat down. I almost gave up. There were times where I wished I felt suicidal because it would have given me some release from the self loathing.

Thankfully that is not the end of my story. I have learned so much this year. My friendships have grown too (which presents its own challenges). I want to share some of where I've been, and some of what's happening now, so that others might find encouragement - whatever their struggle.

Christians don't talk about sex enough. So often we hide from the issues that cause us the most difficulty for fear of being judged (this is justifiable because my experience of love and acceptance is rare). If men could only talk and share the sexual difficulties they struggle with we would be able to help and support one another through these times in a biblical way. I hope that as I start to blog, more people would feel encouraged to do so. Perhaps anonymously online to start with but my prayer is that guys would be able to find those people who are willing to love like Christ , with no condemnation or judgement but with absolute acceptance and grace. We all struggle - so why do we grade our sin?

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.