I didn’t intend to be back writing another blog so soon. I had initially thought about once a week would suffice. Alas, here I am because I feel I can be a bit more honest on here and let out all my feelings and thoughts a bit more.
So where shall I start. A number of weeks ago I made a decision to stop masturbating. It’s something I have done since my teenage years and have always had rather mixed views about. I didn’t see there being a huge problem as long as it was just a quick wank that meant nothing, and didn’t involve any impure thoughts.
On the other hand it is something that I could tell was not constructive. It maybe wasn’t bringing me down but it most definitely wasn’t building me up. There were times when I felt that these were perhaps stolen moments from my marriage (to be) and that the feelings and sensations I was having were meant to be shared with another – my wife. Unfortunately I haven’t found myself in the position of being in that kind of relationship and so it just went on and on. Sometimes infrequently, sometimes more regularly.
The difficulty for me is that whether or not I associate my masturbation with another person (real or imaginary), by succumbing to the temptation to do so probably means I am not facing up to my own loneliness and feelings of isolation. I feel crap today so I’m just going to have a wank.
It is pretty similar to the way I feel when I look up gay porn. I’m a bit lonely, a bit miserable so I’ll try and make myself feel better by looking up this rubbish that I know will probably make me feel even worse and will make it very hard for me to feel good about myself for several days. Infact when I do these things I feel like I am cutting myself off from God. I know that God is gracious and that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. But that’s God’s side of the bargain – not mine. And I’m pretty good at condemning myself.
The fact is that when I decide to have a wank or to look up some dodgy sites I’m usually avoiding going to God about something else. Instead of saying, ‘God I’m feeling crap about myself here. I’m struggling to accept myself and the person you’ve made me to be. Will you come and minister to me?’ I instead decide to make myself feel better with a little bit of self gratification. I may not be imagining myself with another person but I am still sinning because I am not turning my situation over to God.
So why all this big shpeel about masturbation? Well I’ve gone about 4 or 5 weeks without doing it. It’s been bloody hard in more ways than one. I’ve felt that I’ve pretty much had a permanent erection and I’ve felt so completely horny. I’ve chatted this through with my flatmate and my pastor, both of whom seem to think this is perfectly natural and I shouldn’t feel condemned about it. My pastor said instead that because I feel physically aroused in someone’s presence does not mean I am attracted to them. There are lots of reasons why that might happen. I need to begin to feel more comfortable with myself as a sexual being. I’m probably paraphrasing him quite a lot but that is what I think the general gist is.
Anyway after all these weeks of effort I was off work last week. I’m beginning to hate holidays because I have so much free time with my thoughts and there’s not always other folk about to talk to. I found all these blogs that folk had been writing and felt particularly encouraged by them – partly what inspired me to do likewise. I don’t know if any of you guys find the same but sometimes when reading the blogs it sets my mind off. I become more aware of my sexual difficulties and am blessed by what I am reading but it sometimes opens up some doors that need me to be very much on my guard. Anyway one thing led to another and wham! I’m in bed feeling awful about myself and so incredibly disappointed in myself. To top it off, I was off to lead an Alpha group in the evening and then straight off with my parents for the weekend. They don’t have a clue about what’s going on so felt a bit strange and isolated with it all.
Last night after work, came home and had quite a positive evening. Wrote up a blog and replied to a few folk etc. When my flatmate came home we chatted for a bit.
As soon as he went off to bed though, I immediately looked up some porn. I don’t remember feeling particularly tempted – I just did it. I ended up having a pretty late night. Felt terrible this morning and struggled to stay positive at work all day. I feel so hypocritical. My flatmate and I get up early in the morning to pray. It’s supposed to be a time of mutual reaching to God, not a time for me to have pity party. How can I be so sinful one night and then a few hours later be calling on God. It doesn’t make sense and it drives me crazy.
So I feel like I’ve taken a big leap back. All the support I have, people praying for me and willing to be there for me and I throw it back in their faces. I hate it when I feel like people are attention seeking – but I also wonder if that is how I am viewed. Do I do all this so I can get a reaction? Do I do it so in some twisted kind of way I can get the love and affection I crave? I don’t think so but perhaps that’s what other people think.
I want this to be over. I don’t want to keep having these thoughts or desires towards other guys. At the same point it is so comforting to sense that depth of feeling. To think about being that intimately close to someone makes me feel good. So I sit on this fence, wanting to make the right choices but knowing that requires the faith that, when I let these things go, God will come and meets all my needs.
I don’t want to be dependent on myself or anyone else to get through this. I want to be able to put it all in God’s hands. I know that God has put people there for me, to help me through all this but I am afraid that I grow too attached to them and not to God. I am afraid that they get bored, annoyed, fed up or that they just give up on me. I am afraid that I end up left alone because people eventually move on. I am afraid that they misunderstand my love. I am afraid of lots of things and I can’t actually find the word to explain it all. It just sits like a boulder in my chest. Along with the tightness I feel there when I think about my friends – and I wonder if I might be getting too close.
So for now anyway it’s back to the reality and practicality. I can’t control my own online habits so I’m typing this up to add to my blog later because my flatmate has the cable for the modem. How pathetic and helpless I feel. I suppose I should be glad that I’m in the position where he is willing to do that for me, and that the thought of living with me has not caused him to run a mile. I should be glad that I have at least got the savvy to ask him to take the cable.
One day soon I hope that I will be able to say that I can do these things for myself.
1 comment:
Brother,
This is a rather long blog entry but I think to sum it up it is about three things: lust, masturbation, gay porn and fear. Wait, I’m sorry. That’s four things! I never was very good at math!
Anyway, most of what you’ve written are very common experiences that myself and others have struggled with and written about in our own blogs. So, remember - YOU are not alone. Here are a few comments and tips regarding “wanking”:
First, in most discussions about masturbation most people realize that there is nothing explicitly or implicitly written about it in Scripture. But most people acknowledge that it is a sin to lust after another person in your heart (Matthew 5:27) and Scripture tells us, “...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” (Philippians 4:8). So we are to “put off” sinful thoughts and “put on” praise worthy thoughts. It is not merely a matter of NOT doing the wrong thing. It is a matter of also DOING the right thing by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the pattern Paul has given us for “putting off” the “old man” and “putting on” the “new man” in Ephesians 4.
Second, many people often then come to the conclusion that if they don’t use any impure thoughts then they can freely “wank” (I think this is a UK word, not used here much in the USA) so long as they don’t have any fantasies while doing so. Well, there is another Biblical principle to keep in mind. Whether it is masturbation, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee (the American drug of choice), or a many other things not explicitly addressed in Scripture the question is: Does this thing control you? Are you a slave to it? Do you think or feel to HAVE to have a cup of coffee in order to get through the day (my weakness), or smoke a cigarette to calm your nerves, or wank to feel good then these things have dominion over you even IF they are not sinful in and of themselves as Paul said, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
You may find this hard to believe, put is 100 times easier for me NOT to masturbate than it is NOT to have a cup of coffee. I love the smell, the feeling, the taste of coffee and yet if I start drinking it and then skip a day I will have a headache from hell. So, I have to stay away from it
What to do about feeling horny all the time? Well, eventually if you do not wank your body will excrete the built up man-goo during your sleep. But who wants THAT? Especially if you are someone else’s house! And aren’t those usually accompanied by an erotic dream?
To be honest, about once a month now I can feel so “randy” that it is really hard to concentrate on anything. So, I wank without any sexual thoughts and my mind is then cleared and I get focus on working, writing, reading or whatever. I’m not saying this is morally right, but once in a while I have a cup of coffee too when the morning is cold and I need a jump start in the morning. But I’m not drinking coffee everyday (or even once a week) and I’m not wanking obsessively either. At this point, I don’t think either wanking or coffee has become my master. But maybe I am just excusing my actions.
It regards to gay porn. You need to come to the point where you HATE it. Yo need to hate it for what is IS, that it is a violation of God’s Law, hate what it does to you and hate what ti does to your brothers. I was not set free from gay porn until I had come to hate it. Now, not only am I not tempted I get angry at the world’s attempt to seduce me and I am deeply grieved when I hear stories abut my brothers who have fallen prey to its temptation.
Brother, I love you more than you can know, but not 1/10th as much as Christ who died for your sin. Gay porn will kill you deep inside your sole and enslave your mind and hinder your relationship with He who purchased you with His blood. You will then have years of regret because the more you download it into your mind, the more you will have troubles with your thoughts. I am thankful that you have a roommate (flatmate) that you can be accountable to who can take away the modem. But you need to be free from it so that even when circumstances arise that you cannot prevent the ability to have access you can resist the temptation because you have reached that level of sanctification.
I’d like to suggest that you read “Mortification of Sin in Believers” by the Puritan writer John Owen. The writing style back then was a bit long winded, but this book did wonders for my soul!
The last thing I want to comment is your fear. I wrote a lot about my own fear early in my blogs. It was one of the biggest (and still is) things I have had to fight. I’d like to recommend two books:
Edward Welch, “When People Are Big and God is Small” and John Piper, “Desiring God.” These two books did wonders for me in regards to dealing with the fear of man and setting straight my affections on God.
Well, I will continue to pray for you.
By the way, my aunt’s side of the family is Scottish and I have a cousin who plays the bagpipes. I heard him play it not long at my uncle’s funeral. It was quite nice.
Love ya brother!
Rik
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