The Eternal Struggle!

Romans 7: 14-25

For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

It's been almost a month since I last masturbated, and about the same since I last looked at any porn. I've been pretty chuffed with myself - and I don't think that is a bad thing in itself, but what started out as most definitely a God thing, has become a me thing. It has become about how well I am doing, and less about what God is doing in me. Yeah, glory to God that I almost completely lost the urge to sin in this way. I've been in a pretty good frame of mind as well. On the odd occasion where I have felt discouragement of depression setting in I have shared it with my friends and we've prayed and I moved on.

It came as a bit of a blow to me tonight though, when I began to feel low and discouraged. Not just a little bit, alot. If I hadn't installed a filter onto my computer I would have really gone to to town - I know it. I was almost cursing the filter, and I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, I'll tell you. It annoys me that even though I didn't look at anything dodgy, I wanted to. That's really just as bad. The sinful nature was there in force. I'm glad that my mind was guarded against such things but it doesn't mean the desire wasn't there.

I felt so small, and weak and insignificant. I became like a child, scared to look upon the responsibilities of adulthood. Worried about not being what I perceive to be 'cool'. I suppose some of it is about pride. Wanting to be worthwhile for who I am, and how people perceive me, instead of my life reflecting the way God has made me to be. What right do I really have to put myself and my own desires above the way God has designed me. He has made me perfectly (I say this through gritted teeth just now though I know it ultimately to be true) and I need to learn to love me regardless of how other people view me. I need to not judge myself by how I think other people want me to be.

If I am perfectly honest, I am a pretty popular individual. People just seem to love me. They do enjoy being around me. The thing that really annoys me though is that they love the characteristics that I often despise about myself. They love the me that I don't want to be.

So! I went to bed early tonight. But when my flatmate came home I forced myself to get up and chat. Poor guy was wanting his own bed but he gave me some time. We chatted, we prayed, I whined, and he told me to read the Word. I did, and then I did this post. It was really incredibly hard to get up and talk. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my warm bed and wallow. I find it so embarrassing talking about how pathetic I feel, about how insignificant I feel. I have been a Christian for most of my life and yet I am in this place I never imagined I would find myself. I know that God has done so much in me and that he uses me daily to enrich the lives of others, but at times I just can't be bothered being an adult, being a man. I want to forget about my responsibilities and just be held. I really feel the need to confess it though - no matter how rubbish I feel about it. How can I move forward if I keep these things bottled up. It is then that I find myself more deeply entrenched in sin.

These things, just as much as my struggles with SSA are my sinful nature. Being willing to lay aside the man God has made me to be. Despising what God has said is good about me. Wallowing in my own misery. Being too stubborn to ask for help, or turn to the Word.

I praise God for true friends who will push me in the right direction and will take the time to encourage me. I am praying that God will continue to encourage me and move me forward, and that tonight was just a minor blip, where the devil tried to catch me unaware. I pray I remember always the source of my strength and my success as I continue to fight this battle. God is Good!

Things they are a changin'

Haven't really written much up here for a while. But that's all good news I think. I had been goin through a bit of a rough patch and wasn't really feeling confident that things were ever goin to get better. Thankfully that isn't true. They have and they will continue to do so.

Life has been so incredibly busy (at least by my standards) but in it all I have been learning to look to God for strength. Since my last blog I have passed my driving test, turned thirty, asked a girl out, been turned down, put into place some really good accountability relationships, taken a new lease of life at my work, and so much more.

One weekend I was out clubbing to celebrate my birthday, got to bed at 4 but was up at quarter to eight the next morning to go mountain biking. I then got home about mid day, showered, hopped into my kilt, drove some bridesmaids to a wedding (I was asked the day after I passed my test - mental), celebrated the same wedding, while also escorting my flatmate to pick up a hire car and then had a full Sunday the day after.

Normally I would have descended into the pit of misery by the time I got to midnight at the club, by the Saturday morning I would be surfing for some porn, and by the time Sunday morning came I would simply be going to church because I felt some sense of duty. Apart from feeling incredibly tired, the weekend was great.

I have just had a real sense of God wanting to lift me beyond my own difficulties. To begin to turn my eyes outwards again. Iv'e gone almost a fortnight without any real desire for men in a sexual way. The temptation is just not there. I don't want to grow complacent becaue there have been times when I have begin to feel weaker and have had to pray either myself of with a friend, to seek God's strength to overcome these feelings. The real strength in some way has been my willingness to share and seek help as soon as I feel I need it. Also having the realisation that there are people out there who I can be investing into spiritually if only I can see beyond the end of my nose. People who I can build with as I seek to advance God's Kingdom here in Glasgow.

I have been trying to get into the Word more as well, and this is happening - though not as much as I'd like - but it is a start. I have so much to be happy and excited about and I wish I could share it all on here just now, but I haven't the time at the moment. I just wanted to pop on and fill folk in on where things are at.

God is Good!