It's 11o'clock at night. I should be going off to sleep. Instead, feeling pretty miserable, I decided to start up the old computer again. Unsure whether or not to do a search for some dodgy websites for fear of being discovered by my online accountability partners I find myself on here. Don't know why I'm so bothered because my report for this week is already pretty dire. At the moment I can't be certain I won't end up elsewhere but at the moment I'm here. I just feel sooo grey!
I feel like I'm so alone. A frequent frustration of mine is the constant feeling that I need other people. But when it comes to the crunch they never can provide what I need. But then if I knew what it was I was really looking for that would be a start.
I also annoys me that while I need other people, they can get on with their lives quite happily without me. My existence is of no real consequence. Life would probably be a bit simpler if they didn't have their emotionally unstable, loony 'mate' to deal with. I wish I could just pack up and move on. Pretend like none of this ever happened- that nobody knew. Maybe then my life could get back to some kind of normality.
Nobody turns to me with their needs, the things they are struggling with. Who would? I'm not wanting to dish out advice - I couldn't if I tried. I just want to be able to stand with my friends in their trials. I don't want to be vulnerable alone.
I'm struggling to keep it together at work just now. Just yesterday, after a meeting I had to go off to the gents for a quick bubble. Nobody knows my struggle there and neither do I want them to. But sometimes I wonder if it might help to let someone, one of my bosses know that I was struggling in some way - no specifics - but then what difference would that really make? It isn't like they could do anything and it isn't like I would want their advice which is not going to come from a Godly perspective. But when things get tough, and I'm struggling to get through the day, it would be nice to have somewhere to turn.
I suppose I should turn to God but I find that so very hard at times - especially in my line of work where there is not really a moment where I can be alone. But going to God when I'm feeling so crap is tough. I'm struggling to feel like God is actually listening to me. Does he really hear me? If so, then why is this so flipping tough - after a year and I still can't cope with things any better. I don't know how long I can handle feeling like this and going through all the ups and downs.
2 comments:
Bro,
The "neediness" comes when we don't find our sufficiency in Christ. I know that sound trite to a person who is REALLY feeling down. But I have "been there, done that." If you can, get out of the house when you're feeling down. Get some exercise, take up jogging, biking or whatever. I know not everyone lives in sunny California like I do but staying in the house increases the sense of being alone. Get a good book and go sit in a pub.
"Whatcha reading mate?"
"Its a book about Jesus Christ."
Then begin to witness for Christ.
If you think your life doesn't matter to other people, that is a load of crap. One of my favorite movies is "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart. Buy it or rent it, trust me - there is a message for you in there!
Lad, I'm praying for ye.
Love ya much!
Rik
I am praying, too.
Go to God and ask for help no matter how bad you feel. Don't wait until you clean up your life and stop sinning. If all you can pray is "Help!" pray that one word. When He answers, you will be glad.
Think about scriptures you have read before and remember that God is faithful to keep His promises.
Post a Comment