Well Life has been a bit of a roller coaster for me recently. I've been up and down constantly. I'm go from on top of the world to miserable as sin in the blink of an eyelid it seems . Unfortunately it takes a bit longer for me to climb back up again.
I suppose that's the point though. My misery is so closely tied to sin. Whether that sin be looking up porn, or wallowing in my own self pity, it is sin. Sometimes I think the misery itself is sin - what right do I really have to be miserable? I have a loving God who cares deeply and passionately for me. His Son has made a way for me to be reunited with Him so I can enter His presence whenever I choose. He's given me great friendships and brothers that love and accept me and stand with me in my pain. So often I convince myself that this will never end. I will always have to battle in my mind - I hope I won't. But if I do, what right have I to complain? Each and every one of us has struggles and battles to fight. It just so happens that mine is with same sex attraction. It's no more or less sinful than opposite sex attraction if it manifests itself as lust. It is no more sinful than hatred of greed. Yes, this is my struggle. But others have their own. It's a bit arrogant of me to think that the battle I am fighting is any tougher than anyone else's. At the same point I do not want to minimise my own, or anyone else's struggle with SSA. It is a very real and present battle and it rages within me constantly... but I can't let it win or consume me, and it is no reason for me to look at myself with contempt or hatred.
I'm beginning to try and up the stakes. It means that the folks around about me are going to have to help some more. I hope not for long. I need to be challenged about my thinking, about my online habits, about my states of misery and I'm going to ask that they do that. Instead of waiting for crisis point, or for me to come out the other end of one of my moods. I know that it is my struggle but as I go through it I need people to be standing on the sidelines waiting for me to pick myself back up. I need people who will take up sword and fight by my side.
I've struggled with this idea for a while. I hate to think that I need other people, especially when nobody else seems to need the same kind of support. One of my Pastors encouraged me the other day though. He reminded me that I was willing to deal with and battle through my problems, meanwhile, many others just haven't brought theirs into the light yet. Instead of seeing myself as weak because I have challenges when nobody else has, I should take encouragement that I am trying to deal with mine when others are hiding their own.
In church just now, alot of the teaching is about moving more in the supernatural. In other words, living life out with our own means and allowing God to move by His Holy Spirit to enable us to go beyond what we would humanly be capable of. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not fighting this battle alone, but rather with Christ by my side. He is rooting for me and seeks by success in this area.
It isn't always easy for me to accept that. To let go of my problems and give them to God. I need to fill my heart and mind with Scripture, and find more time in life's busyness, to spend time with my Father.
So! My decision is to fight. I hope that I can. Hebrews 11:1 says
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
So as I have a hope, I pray that I can receive the faith to bring it all into reality. It seems like such a bold statement when I say I am going to fight. But it's a start. There will be days when I don't feel like fighting any more. That is where I hope my brothers will encourage me and the Holy Spirit will strengthen me to go on. I'm running this race and I'm going to win the prize because I am not going to stop until I am finished.
7 comments:
Yes! Keep fighting and trusting in God. The results of loving obedience to Him are worth far more than the cost.
God will use your brothers in Christ to help you if you humble yourself and ask for help. Fellowship with straight Christian brothers has been a very significant and JOYFUL means of grace in my own battle against SSA. I remember many times I felt miserable and alone and God showed me his love through a brother who cared. It was as if God Himself removed my darkness and replaced it with light!
Okay bro,
We have our complaints and struggles, what are we doing ABOUT THEM?
A few recommendations:
(1) If you haven't already, go though the "Setting Captives Free" bible study program called "Door of Hope." You can use my e-mail address as an accountability partner. I'll be there with ya along the way! You can find a link to their web site on my blog.
(2) Read a few of the books that I have pictured on the side of my blog.
(3) Find something else to focus your life on, a ministry, a godly hobby (i.e. NOT golf!), music etc.
(4) Be involved with other Christian guys throughout the week. Have dinner, a Bible study, harpoon a dolphin... whatever. I wish I could invite all the Christian guys out there in bloggersville over to my house for food and fellowship. But we're spread out all over the world.
Praying for ya lad!
Rik
Hang in there man. Some times are more tough than others, but you'll pull through. And as you're fighting, know that God is fighting with you. He'll help you every step of the way.
MR and Rik have both given you some good advice. A few books that helped me that I don't think are on Rik's blog are "You Don't Have to Be Gay," by Jeff Konrad and "Growth Into Manhood," by Alan Medinger. I also found help from a counselor through one of Exodus International's ministries.
Just don't be afraid to reach out, and trust in God in all things.
God bless ya.
I think you would be happier if you could accept that God loves you and made you as you are, and that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality. Some people have the gift of celibacy, of subsuming their sexual attractions and interests in a love of God. If you are such a person, that is a great charism. But if you are not, you have to ask yourself whether you are following God's plan by fighting so hard against your God given nature and letting it dominate your thoughts and make you feel so bad, which handicaps you in your ability to lead a positive Christian life. I think you should consider following your inclinations with a view to finding a loving relationship, not necessarily sexual, but not necessarily not sexual, with a partner, gender immaterial, with someone who fulfils you and makes you whole and therefore works out God's purpose in you and helps you become an even better disciple.
Badman,
Thanks for taking the time to share some of your thoughts. Over the past year I've given a lot of thought to doing as you suggest and just accepting that perhaps this is God's plan for me 'a God-Given nature' as you suggest. I cannot accept this is true however.
I fully understand that God loves me unconditionally. I accept that I was designed and made by Him. I know He has a plan and a purpose for my life. I have no problem in understanding that I have a God-given nature, and I spend much of my time being quite annoyed with this God-given nature because I spend alot of my time wishing I was like other people. The problem is, that I categorically do not accept that my problems and struggles with SSA are not part of my God-given nature, but are more likely a result of my failing to accept what is. I spend so much time wishing that I looked different, that I had different talents and giftings, that I related to people in a different way. There are lots of reasons for this that I won't go into just now. However, it is these issues that have resulted in my being sexually attracted to men. I am convinced of this. If I could accept the way that God has made me, I wouldn't have to find that affirmation from my peers.
To 'feel' accepted in the world of men would be a huge step towards dealing with my struggles. I emphasise the word 'feel' because I know that I am accepted among my peers - among men that I have the deepest admiration and trust in - but sometimes I have to really work hard to convince myself of this.
To be honest, I wish it didn't matter to me at all. The only one that really matters is God. I'd like to be able to say that if God was the only one who ever expressed any love towards me ever again, I would be complete. But I don't believe that God designs us that way. We are designed for relationship with one another.
The reason I am going through so much effort and struggle just now is because God confronted me on these issues and I need to deal with them.
I don't ever want to find someone that will fulfil me. I want my fulfilment to come from God. When He fulfils me, I will be ready for a relationship with my wife. If I begin a relationship with anyone, looking for them to fulfil me, I am not giving God His rightful place in my life. In the same way I would not wish to be in a relationship with someone that was unfulfilled. They would do nothing but drag me down and hold me back. I will not find my fulfilment in my sexual identity. This is not to say that there would not be struggles in a relationship, or that people have to be sorted and perfect before they enter a relationship, but rather, that when issues do arise, we help one another look to God for their strength.
I have to say that since I started to deal with these issues I feel more equipped and more ready to move on and to make a difference with my life. I have become a much more honest person and more willing to open up and share. This has blessed many of my friends as we as men, move forward with out secrets holding us back from getting into real, God-given male relationships.
Learner Man,
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
-Luke 6:45 (ESV)
Your words glorify God! It is beautiful to see your words revealing a glimpse of the work God is doing in your heart!
Thanks MR.
It probably seems from my posts that I am doing alot worse than I really am. I tend to find that I blog more when I am frustrated and angry - it helps me to work through and process my thoughts.
This isn't to say that things are hunky dorey either. It just means that my mind is made up. My frustration is found in the fact that so often my body and emotions try to tear me away from what I have decided in my mind and heart.
This I suppose is part of the battle that we face as we seek to grow to become more like Christ.
As I strive to put aside the sinful nature, so often it is incredibly difficult - but then who of us would sin if it wasn't so appealing. I need to continually look to the Holy Spirit for my strength.
What I struggle to understand is why so many people seem to think that if it feels good, or is so difficult to lay aside, then it must be God-given. I think the bible is clear that anything that has a greater hold over our lives than God does is essentially sin - therefore it needs to be laid down. This could be anything from sex to fast cars, to family, anything. It just so happens that at the moment, for me it is SSA.
Maybe I should think about this some more and blog on it. It would be good to get something positive up there.
It's this coming weekend that Mark Driscoll is coming to our men's conference. I'm looking forward to it and will let you know how I get on.
Bless ya man,
Learner Man (I almost signed off with my real name there - shows how relaxed I'm becoming with some of you guys :))
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