I've spent the last few years convinced that I had to give up everything good in my life. I was certain that I had to sell my home - or at the very lest, not live there. I moved out and stayed with friends twice. I had a dog - a long time ambition of mine - who died within a year of me getting him. I just felt, due to a range of circumstances that whenever something nice or good happened to me, it would be taken away and I felt taht I perhaps had to give it up altogether.
It is a long term ambition of mine to go and live in India for a time - to go and share what God has done for me with those who need to know God too. It seems like a million miles away but I thought this losing things or giving things up was part of God's journey for me to get there.
The thing is... It was kind of right - but not in a way I had understood until not so long ago.
There's been a bit of a sense of me punishing myself for the past few years. Ever since I opened up to my friends it's kind of like the man they all knew and loved disappeared. I lost all my confidence in myself and spent most of my time doing stuff I didn't want to do and then beating myself up for it. I was blessed that each one of my friends stood by me as they saw me sade away. They continued to love me despite the fact that I was no longer the person they knew. They watched and supported me as I moved out my home - and back again - and out again - and back again.
They supported my decisions though they had their reservations. They allowed me to take that journey.
What has happened that changes all this? I fell in love. With a man. Well I say that - but what do I know? I realised that the feelings I had for this guy were deep rooted. I had always known they were there - but knowing how much I wanted this guy in my life, I never shared with anyone. Until Christmas time when it all came to a head. In the new year I told him and it seemed like that was the end of that.
I was prescribed anti depressants. I thought I would sell up and move back to my parents. I really didn't know how life was going to pan out any more. It seemed like more of the same. Every good thing in my life was fading away.
Doesn't sound too great - but do you know what? God met me at this point where I was at the lowest I had been in a long time and he helped me realise that he didn't want me to give up everything that was good. He just wanted to be in first place. I had placed men and this guy in a place that is reserved for God alone. God met me in that moment and it was amazing. I surrendered my heart to him again and life has changed immeasurably since. Within 2 days I was sharing and dicipling others. I was full of joy and back pretty much to the guy I had left behind over 3 years before. It really doens't make any natural sense. The amazing thing is that the feelings I had for this friend have gone. We've got our friendship back on track and it's set to be better than it ever was before.
I can't say that I no longer have homosexual feelings - and I don't want them to go away fully. I don't want to act on them but I do want that constant reminder that God comes first.
I don't know what life holds now but the prospects of a heterosexual relationship don't seem so crazy. I'll see how it goes. The main thing is to keep God in first place. To enjoy the Word, and to continue to put that relationship beofre any other.
I am so astounded by God's grace, that I can sin and sin and sin yet when He looks at me He sees His Son. He loves me so much that He has made a way for me to enter His very throne room. I can approach God as a righteous man because of Christ's sacrifice. I don't need to allow my sin to bring me down or control me or keep me away from Him. His grace is awesome and I want to spend the rest of my days worshipping Him. I could sance and sing and whoop with excitement at that prospect.
I'm back home - accepting that I am who God has made me to be. I have a home where I can welcome folk in. I can love them and care fore them and feed them and laugh with them. I can share God's love with them.
It's all about Him.
I wrote a song a few years ago (well some lyrics - I'm as musical as a doorstop) but my friend kindly put it to music and although it never made it beyond our luving rooms it has found a new depth of meaning for me now.
I'm going boldly to the Throne of Grace
Because Mercy is waiting there to meet me.
And I'm gonna worship Jesus.
He's my King and I will praise Him.
He knows my situations.
He understands all my needs.
The High Priest who took temptations victory.
The Sacrifice who gave His life for me
Is without sin.
I'm holding on to Him.
I can't guarantee that I will continue to blog. I hope that I will as I've got lots I want to share. But I hope that now there will be a change. I intend that it isn't about me any longer, but that it's about my awesome God and King. My High Priest, my Lover, my Friend. It's not about who I am any longer. I am who God made me to be. I love that me. It's about Him and putting Him where he belongs. If I continue to remember that then I believe that homosexuality will not separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus!
Romans 8
37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
