Hmmmm! I don't really know where I'm at - just felt like I needed a ramble. I'm tired of all this. Not really liking who I am but not able to be anyone else. Tired of fighting but convinced that is what I need to do.
I had a really powerful time with God last night. I don't really know what happened. I know that God was doing something deep down but to be honest I couldn't say what. I have not cried like that for quite some time - I mean I will usually cry at most things but this was the deep kind of crying that feels like it comes from deep inside you. I couldn't stop it - or I didn't want to... because to just for that moment have that reassurance that God is infact still in control was greatly needed.
Life is looking a bit uncertain up ahead and there are going to be lots of changes. I sometimes doubt that I'm ready for it all but I need to just run with it. I don't know where I'll end up or what will happen but I am laying my life down at the cross - or at least I'm trying to - I am struggling to let go fully - but it is the only way that I can fully move out of this mess and see God for who he really is - a loving and merciful God who has planned out my days.
I must say that I'm scared. I'm stepping inch by inch into the unknown...
I hope I don't sound like I'm speaking in riddles... it's just where I'm at just now - stuck between 2 camps. The ball has started to roll and there isn't really a way of stopping it. Do I keep trying to keep pushing it back or do I let go and trust that God is gonna keep me safe.
The only way for me to really feel good about myself, and the only way to see the back of my struggles is to come to the end of myself and let God take over.
3 comments:
I will be praying. God has always been faithful to me through great changes and I believe He will be to you also.
In the last year I moved from one side of the U.S. to the other several times. I have lived in 4 different cities and had 4 different jobs, but God has always provided. I have gained friends that I regularly thank God for, and I would never have met them if my life had continued on my regular routine.
Look on the future as an adventure!
It has been a while since you have posted, but you have been in my prayers.
Be patient with yourself, change comes slowly.
I am learning a lot about myself as I continue to read, read and read some more. As I do I get glimpses of insight into how my mind works, why I think and react to situations the way I do, how I have wrongly responded to situations in my life much of which might seem unrelated to SSA issues but it is all tied together in my personality and how I interact and respond in relationships and social situations.
Our sense of "self" and how we relate to the world around us is very complex. There is a web of perceptions, emotions, fears and subsequent sinful reactions that go on in our mind. They are all tied together and they come at us all at once which causes us confusion and can overwhelm us at times.
We have a lot of growing up to do and we have to learn to confront rather than avoid those situations and circumstances and fears that we use to run from so that we can become mature Christian men.
Perhaps I am speaking in riddles now?
There is one book that I have found useful - Alan Medinger "Growth Into Manhood." It is not an answer to every aspect of the SSA struggle but it did scratch and itch that I had for a long time.
Yes, I have heard quite a few people changing titles due to the negative connotation of "Christian".
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