I Just Want to be Held

I'm sitting here just now in my living room and my dog is pawing at me for a pat or a stroke. He has no qualms about just coming up and demanding some physical affection, or a bit of a rumble. To be honest, if I wasn't busy typing away, I'd probably stop and give him what he's asking for - because I love him. OK, you might just say he's only a dog - and I agree - that's all he is. But if we are prepared to show physical affection towards an animal, why do we so often find it so difficult with one another.

It has been on my mind for the past few weeks now, that I really want to be held. I don't think it is a particularly sexual desire. Just a human one. Sometimes my body might tell me otherwise but I'm trying not to listen to that too much because in my mind I'm pretty certain that all I want to know is that I'm loved. I know I'm loved... but I want to KNOW that I'm loved. People can tell you they love you and show that they care - they can use all the right words, but until they put their arms around you it's hard to know, to accept, that it's true.

I often feel kept at arms length. Even before I began to face up to my struggles, before nobody else knew, I felt that 'they knew' secretly and didn't want to get too close. Now the devil is quite happy to whisper in my ear to tell me that nobody wants to get too close to me - the gay one.

I find it particularly hard to deal with this when I see other friends hugging - I feel jealous - I think to myself that they don't hug me like that. It's all rubbish I know but it's very often how things go in my mind. I know, that I know, that I know, that I am accepted and loved by my friends. Man, I've given them plenty chances to close the door and tell me where to go. If they really wanted to keep their distance they would.

I don't know where this all comes from. Is it a 'Scottish' thing. Men just don't do this touchy-feely thing over here. Some friends have commented that you only get that kind of contact with other guys when you play sport. Those kind of sports just aren't my thing.

Is it something to do with my old man? He's a top bloke but he doesn't really do the whole huggy thing. I can't remember even if he did when I was wee.

Is it something to do with the fact that the only contact I had with guys when I was younger was normally through some form of physical abuse?

Am I just abnormal? Do I have an unusually high need to be held?

I don't know. I don't know if it will ever make sense. I know that the arms of a woman would not meet this need in me, and if I ever want to get married it is something I am going to want sorted in someway. I'm sorry darling but your embrace just doesn't do it for me like a man's does!!!

I'm inclined to think that perhaps it's something to do with God. Now I haven't searched the scriptures on this (yet), but I'm pretty certain that if Jesus Christ was in the room with me just now he would put His arms around me and would not let me go until He knew that I knew how much he cares for me. How much I mean to Him. How much I am not a threat to Him. How much He wants to be with me. How comfortable He feels in my close proximity.

The fact is, that wanting to be held by another man is nothing to do with wanting to sleep with him. I got that a bit confused for a while. While searching for porn I would often find myself taken by the photographs and images but rather disappointed by the movies. I realise that to some extent it was the idea of 2 men being close, having deep trust, and being willing to share personal space that attracted me - not so much the sexual act.

As Christian men (SSA or OSA) is there a need for us to communicate God's love for one another in this way? Letting one another know that the world's fear is not one that we need to share? Is it a problem for some people who do not deal with SSA, that they feel insecure with physical contact with other men? Is it possible that we need to communicate the Father's love through our embrace?

I'm not suggesting we start hugging each other randomly and for no reason, but that we consider how important the issue can be. That we deal with our misperception that hugging is sexual. It's all kind of childish in a way. It's like when children say 'yuk' at the thought of people loving one another - because sometimes their view of love is confused by what they imagine to be between a man and woman.

I certainly know that I'm not about to start asking my mates to hug me - as much as I wish they would. I rather wish that it was something that was perceived and offered - like when a kid falls and hurts themselves, their dad comes along and picks them up and puts his hands around them until the tears stop and the kid knows it's all going to be alright.

Perhaps if these things happened it'd be wrong... perhaps it would 'feed my perversion'.I'm inclined to think otherwise though. I actually think it would help me feel a little less gay.