It's been a tough few days. It still is tough. I'm on an 'up - down' kind of cycle just now and it frustrates me so much. I don't know how to deal with all my feelings and I don't know how to verbalise my frustrations without sounding petty and pathetic. I don't know how to tell my friends what's going on but I can't do this myself and I feel so far away from You Lord God... If I was truly repentant I wouldn't keep doing these things and feeling this way. That's how I feel. But I find it sooo hard to stop. I find it sooo hard to surrender. It's not that I'm not trying, but the prospect of keeping trying for year upon year fills me with such an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration. I want this to stop now. I want to know that as soon as I give up my weakness, You will be there. I suppose it's a case of having to 'step out of the boat'. My boat of comfort and safety in what I've become so used to, my thoughts and feelings about myself and how others view me. I need to know that even though walking on the water might feel uncomfortable, my You, my God are there to hold me and keep me secure - even though it doesn't always feel like it.
I hate being so vulnerable. I would happily move away to a place where nobody knew me and live like none of this had ever happened. Go back into my box of make believe, where one day I will find a wife and we'll have a beautiful life together, where I can bring up my children , safe and secure in the knowledge of my love for them, and that of You, the Father.
But until I can accept that You made me, You loves me, and You accepts me just the way I am, none of these things will become real to me. I can't manufacture self confidence. I can pretend, but that isn't the same. I don't want to pretend any more. I want to be real... I want to be free. I want to wake up one morning and just KNOW that You love me... no doubts. I want to know that my friends think I'm cool, that I'm not some pathetic tagger on. I want to know that whatever anyone else thinks, I'm accepted and loved. I don't want to be loved because people feel that it's their Christian duty. I want to grasp what it is about me that other people seem to see. I can only see a weak and insignificant individual who can't keep it together for more than a few days. Someone that is desperately lonely despite being loved by many. I want to cry so much but my tears are dry. I want to curl up and weep. I want You, my Father to embrace me with Your loving arms.
Father help me know where I belong. Let me understand what purpose You have for me. Please take away the temptation and let me feel strong again. Let me know the depths of your love like I've never known.
I want to scream but can't. I want to pour out all my frustration and anger. But what will replace it? What will fill the void? Can I really trust that when I let all of this go, my Friend and Saviour will catch me. Will Ye really fill the void? Will I ever be the man You made me to be? What is my purpose and my goal? Where can I make my mark on this Earth?
Answers are slow, and no one can really give them to me except for You my God. Unless I grasp hold of the truth of Your Word, the words that others offer are little more than well meaning... I need You Lord, I cannot live without You.
Lord have Your Way in Me!
Amen
2 comments:
You are looking in the right place when you look to God to fill your emptiness! He is FAR better than the sin He tells us to say "no" to. He is so worth suffering for in self-denial. Pursue joy in God, not sin.
"In the pursuit of joy through suffering, we magnify the all-satisfying worth of the Source of our joy. God himself shines as the brightness at the end of our tunnel of pain. If we do not communicate that he is the goal and the ground of our joy in suffering, then the very meaning of our suffering will be lost. The meaning is this: God is gain. God is gain. God is gain."
- John Piper
Hey Learner Man,
I know how you're feeling. In fact, I think I've prayed a similar prayer a thousand or more times the last couple of years.
I just want you to know in your heart that God does love you. He loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine. Just think of Jesus whenever you have doubts about that. He gave up everything, absolutely everything, including his life, simply because He loves you. Thinking of that love has bewildered me at times, but it always makes me realize just how much God really does care about me and love me. He loves you, too.
Hang in there. And know that God will take care of you. God always takes care of those who love Him.
You're in my prayers. God bless.
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